who foolishly stumbled into the needlessly unpleasant
End Of Days expecting Arnold Schwarzenegger to have
re-established himself as the Number One Action Movie
Star Of All Time, will now know that his career is all
but shafted. Coming on the back of the disgraceful
Batman And Robin, End Of Days is exactly what Arnie
didn’t need; a mid-Eighties action movie, in which he
once again attempts to exercise his palsied acting
muscle, and for which the entire budget appeared to have
been blown on the unjustifiably expensive star.
nothing else, the 1990s saw a shift away from mindless
action to more cerebral fare. From the snappy dialogue
of Tarantino, to the balletic grace of John Woo,
audiences demand more than the same muscle-bound actors
playing the same roles, performing the same stunts.
Stallone swung with the times, larding himself up for
Copland, and receiving critical acclaim for it, while
Bruce Willis has chosen his roles wisely since Die Hard,
The Sixth Sense effectively destroying any memories of
grubby vests and “Yippee-ki-yay” muthafuckery.
however, seems mired in the past. Were there any justice
in this world, 75% of everything he’s ever done –
Twins, Kindergarten Cop, Eraser, Junior, Last Action
Hero, Jingle All The Way, End Of Days – would’ve
gone direct to video. In fact, he’s only ever made
three truly great movies; The Terminator, and Terminator
2: Judgement Day, in which he played a emotionless
cyborg, and spoke but a handful of lines, and True Lies.
By no coincidence, all three were written and
directed by James Cameron; the only man in Hollywood who
seems able to make Schwarzenegger shine.
fact remains that Schwarzenegger is good for one thing
only; firing a gun, and sooner or later he’s going to
be so old, wrinkled, and crippled with heart problems,
that his attempts to do even that will look ridiculously
clumsy. His absurd forays into comedy have repeatedly
fallen flat, and only when he attempts to stretch
himself as an actor – see the “crying” scene in
End Of Days – is he genuinely comic. The sooner
Schwarzenegger or, more likely, his agent, realise that
his $20 million presence in a movie severely limits its
budget, and decide to lower his fee, the better.
Typically, if a Schwarzenegger movie works, it’s
likely to have little to do with its star. His legend
eclipses the reality.
must be done and fast, if he’s ever to claw back his
dignity, and play out his remaining days with grace.
Here we name five movies which, if done properly, would
let the Schwarzenegger magic sparkle. And make him a bit
Apparently already in the works sans the involvement of
series co-creator James Cameron, or Schwarzenegger
himself, we can’t see a Terminator movie working with
neither at oppsite ends of a camera. Arnie as The
Terminator is an icon; there isn’t another actor who
could fill those shades. Grimacing and saying nothing is
what Arnie does best; he was born to play this role.
Since the early 1990s, Crusade has been tipped as
Arnie’s next project, re-teaming him with director
Paul Verhoeven. The rumours have been ongoing for so
long now, that it’ll be a miracle if the movie ever
gets made – particularly now that the originall mooted
studio, Carolco, has gone bust. Nevertheless, Crusade
has gone down in legend as the ultimate potential
Schwarzenegger movie, in which the floppy-titted
Austrian would play a feudal serf carrying Christ’s
crucifixion cross back to Rome – hacking his way
through hordes of anti-social heathens, as he goes.
Highly likely to get made, given that the original cast
and writer/director James Cameron are all keen, we’re
happy for any opportunity to see Cameron and
Schwarzenegger team up once more. By keeping the action
on the border of parody the whole time – while being
genuinely thrilling – Cameron made the original movie
the star, while fooling Arnold into thinking he was.
Another oft-mooted project, in which Schwarzenegger
would’ve played the last human left alive on an Earth
populated by cannibalistic zombies - thereby making his
interaction with other people somewhat limited (and
thereby making for a better movie overall). The script
is intelligent, and the once-attached director Ridley
Scott would’ve got the best out of Schwarzenegger. Too
bad it won’t be getting made any time soon.
Based upon the comic by Frank Miller and Geoff
Darrow – and not the John Woo actioner – a Hard
Boiled movie has been rumoured for about a year now.
Though it has been Nicholas Cage and not Schwarzenegger
whose name has been attached, we’d kill to see Arnie
playing Nixon, the malfunctioning, homicidal cyborg tax
collector, cutting a swathe of destruction through a
future city as he makes his way home to his imaginary
family. Sort of Jingle All The Way meets The Terminator.
MOVIES WE DON’T WANT TO SEE SCHWARZENEGGER IN
Arnie as Doctor Octopus? Don’t be stupid.
Arnie was once tipped to star in Alien 3 when
Sigourney Weaver was having doubts. We can’t see it,
big movie for next summer. A helicopter pilot crashes,
and is left for dead. When he returns home, he finds
he’s been replaced by an exact clone of himself. Yes.
That sounds really… “excellent”.