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BOY
BANDS
Those who
decry the modern music industry as a manufactured
showcase for puppet bands manipulated by omnipresent
svengali, should cast their minds back to the origins of
modern pop, and Elvis Presley, who himself was little
more than a phenomenon manufactured by Colonel “Tom”
Saunders – the inventor of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Trace this lineage through The Monkees – who
unquestionably produced some fine songs – and you
realise that such an assertion on the state of modern
pop, is a rubbish assertion. Here Bubblegun celebrates
some of pop’s most recent manufactured male pap/pop
products.
THE
BAY CITY ROLLERS
1970s
tartan-clad Scot-o-twats, famous for Bye Bye Baby.
Boasted something of an “elastic” membership, in
that the only constants were Woody and Les, one of whom
had a big nose and enormous teeth. The Rollers’
uniform was adopted by their legion of fans; all
ankle-cut flares, and wide-collared shirts with the
aforementioned tartan trimming. Surprisingly, few other
acts to have since descended from Scotland have adopted
this style.
BROS
The
beginning of the modern era of Boy-band mania circa
1988, Bros were two brothers – the Aryan Matt and Luke
Goss – and bass-playing third member, the brunette
Clive. Or was it Ken? Whatever the case, Bros –
managed by swollen homosexual pop guru Tom Watkins –
got too big too fast with tedious hits such as When Will
I Be Famous?, and Drop The Boy (“I’m a man” wailed
Luke – or was it Matt? – unconvincingly). Famously,
the brothers axed Kevin and went on the spend almost all
their money as fast as they earned it. Megalomania set
in, and the resulting fall-out with Watkins led their
flame to flicker and burn out following the second
album. Keith shacked up with one of Mel And Kim
(whichever one isn’t dead), and became a producer,
while Matt (or is it Luke?) now ekes out a career in
stage musicals following the dropping of his balls. Luke
(or is it Matt?) is doing… something else.
BIG
FUN
One
of the few mis-fires from 80s “hit factory” Stock,
Aitken And Waterman, Big Fun were three blonde pooftahs
who sung about dancing around in the sun and touching
each others bottoms with their willies. Appeared and
disappeared around the same time as the infamous
Reynolds Girls (“I’d rather jack than Fleetwood
Mac” must surely rank as a more blatant
pro-masturbation chant than even Frankie’s Relax”).
NEW
KIDS ON THE BLOCK
Member-heavy
American boy band, who pioneered the “Something for
everyone” approach which has become the template for
every subsequent manufactured boyband act. The “bad
boy” quota was fulfilled by Donny Wahlberg, whose
brother, Marky Mark, played Dirk Diggler in Boogie
Nights. Semi-interestingly, Bubblegun’s own Mr Biffo
used to work at Wembley Arena, which required him to
monitor the big neon advertising board during pop
events. While entering the Arena to supervise the board
at a NKOTB gig, he was offered a blow job by a 15 year
old girl. Suffice to say, he didn’t accept. She was
well ugly… Funnier still, the power failed mid-gig,
and the boys were left wandering on stage, unable to
comprehend what had gone wrong, eventually Wahlberg, in
his revolting Bronx accent, got a microphone and
explained “Here’s da situation – we is gonna start
da show again”. Not that anyone could hear over the
constant whistle-blowing and screaming, and worse still,
post-concert the Wembley auditorium was an inch-deep in
female ejacula.
TAKE
THAT
Britain’s
most successful boy band to date. Designed to
exclusively appeal to a gay audience. This was missed by
most of their fans, in spite of the fact that the
band’s videos featured them writhing around semi-naked
in baby oil, rubbing their chiselled man-tits for the
benefit of the male viewer. Famously imploded when
Robbie Williams left, sapping the group of any
discernable personality, with the remaining members –
Gary Barlow, Jason Orange, Mark Owen and The One With
The Dirty Hair – proving too boring for the band’s
dwindling fanbase. Barlow, who wrote “most” of the
band’s hits, was widely tipped to be the next George
Michael following the split, but with him possessing all
the charisma of a whelk, it was Robbie Williams (wisely
attaching himself to a decent tunesmith, and using his
disinterested, sub-Jim Carrey gurning to good effect)
who became the megastar. However, sooner or later it’s
all going to blow up in his stupid clown face if he
continues to do nothing but slag off his former band
(reserving particular vitriol for Barlow), and mess up
his live performances by refusing to take any of it
seriously. We don’t want to see your cock, Robbie; we
just want to hear Angels.
EAST
17
Another
Tom Watkins signing, and the ying to Take That’s yang.
East 17 were four East-End louts, one of whom could sort
of write songs and semi-rap (Tony), another who could
sing (Brian), and two others who looked as if they’d
kick your teeth in if you much as to suggested to them
that they could neither sing nor dance (Gripper and
Knuckles). Brian was dismissed from the group for
enthusing about the wonders of Ecstasy on national
radio. Having shacked up with EastEnders actress
Daniella Westbrook (herself no stranger to pills and
powders), he further blotted his copybook by allegedy
beating her around the face with his stumpy little
fists. However, by far our favourite East 17 moment was
an early appearance by the foursome on Channel 4’s
late-night yoof masthead, The Word. During the
interview, the band were quizzed on their possible
criminal backgrounds, when one of the silent backing
dimwiths mumbled “I was only arrested for once but
they let me go. They tried to bloody do me for
rape…” You could see the colour drain from the faces
of the other members, as this unsavoury fact was ejected
into the public domain
BOYZONE
Bunch
of characterless Irish boys. One of whom is gay. Another
is married to a model.
WESTLIFE
Bunch
of characterless Irish youths, all of whom are possible
gay. Managed by the one out of Boyzone who is married to
a model.
FIVE
East
17-style singing thugs. One of whom is a hideous,
hook-nosed freak, who is somehow going out with
too-young-to-be-that-attractive-
but-look-at-the-size-of-her-mouth pop teen, Billie.
N-SYNC,
911, BOYZ 2 MEN
Identikit
non-entities the lot of them.
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