| 1-10 | 11-20
| 21-30 | 31-40
| 41-50 |
| 61-70 | 71-80
| 81-90 |91-100|
CABARET ACTS WHO ARE MORE TALENTED AND INTERESTING THAN GERI HALLIWELL
10. Corky Carter The Comatose Clown
9. Mr Paper-Shredder, and his History Of Paper Shredders Lecture
8. Frederick Purrp: The World’s Heaviest Sleeper
7. Pepe Pourre’s Fast-Drying Paint Revue
6. The Cadaver Puppetry Theatre
5. The Weighing Twins: “They Weigh Stuff On Stage!”
4. The Chicken-In-A-Basket Sisters
3. Rory Walton And His Tortoises Of Different Sizes
2. Jess Judson, And The “Look At Me Look At Me Look At Me” Cabaret
1. Jane McDonald
TV SHOWS WE’D REALLY LIKE TO SEE
I Love March 3rd 1976
9. I Love ‘I Love 1981’
8. I Loved The Week Before Last
7. I Love The Third Week In June 1997, And The Fourth Week In
6. I Love Half Past Four In The Afternoon
5. I Love The Year That Saturday Night Fever Came Out,
Whatever Year That May Have Been
4. I Really Loved The Week Before Last
3. I Love ‘I Love ‘I Love 1981’’
2. I Have A Vague Recollection Of Certain Things That Happened
In The 1970s
1. I Don’t Remember 1986
INACCURACIES IN PEARL HARBOUR
Map on wall in Admiral’s office re-touched to eliminate
every country, except for America and Japan – which has been
9. Japanese fleet led by crazed
Arab terrorist Osama bin Laden, riding a giant, fire breathing
winged dog poo.
8. Brief scene of British RAF
officers sitting around in their garden in England, having tea
with the Queen, and wishing they were as cool as the
7. Japanese pilots deliberately
flying their planes into an orphanage, fluffy puppy sanctuary
and wheelchair factory.
6. Scene of furious American
officers cursing “England” for it’s laziness, and
cowardly failure to get involved with the war in the Pacific.
5. Atomic bomb revealed to be
nothing more than a bin liner full of flour. All deaths during
the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings dismissed as nothing more
than idiot, panicked Japanese running into walls, and choking
to death on their own evilness.
4. World War II won by a simple
farm boy flying his crop-duster into the main barrel of the
Japanese mothership’s laser cannon.
3. Cackling Japanese leaders
drawing up plans for a weapon that’s loads worse than the
2. Heroic American pilots shown
giving 40% of their earnings to charity.
1. Coca-Cola and McDonalds logos
emblazoned on the side of American warships. Also, American
pilots shown flying their planes with Microsoft joysticks.
REASONS WHY THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR BUBBLEGUN HAVEN'T UPDATED THE SITE SINCE AUGUST 2000
10. They were murdered by a "sex dwarf".
9. They got freaked out by last year's solar eclipse, and barricaded themselves in an underground bunker, where to this day they await the end of the world.
8. They're trapped beneath a pile of unsold Knife t-shirts.
7. They've been too busy having really dirty sex with Bubblegun groupies.
6. Bubblegun was just a figment of their imagination - an imagination long since shredded by their chronic twin addictions to strong alcohol and horse painkillers.
5. They'd written the instructions on how to update the site on a marzipan wafer, which was erroneously swallowed by a clown. And when it came out of the clown's bottom, it had clownshit all over it.
4. The rozzers discovered their illegal whale ovary removing factory, and dragged them off to the cells.
3. One of them choked to death on a chrysalis, and the others were too grief-stricken to continue.
2. Having heard about the positive effect of amyl nitrate, they sought to experiment with the popular legal hallucinogen. However, having acting upon what turned out to be misinformation supplied to them by a tramp in the park, they are currently awaiting surgery to have a party popper, and several metres of paper streamer removed from their anuses.
1. They went for the world record for doing the longest ever continuous defecation, and are still going.