Anyone who foolishly stumbled into the needlessly unpleasant End Of Days expecting Arnold Schwarzenegger to have re-established himself as the Number One Action Movie Star Of All Time, will now know that his career is all but shafted. Coming on the back of the disgraceful Batman And Robin, End Of Days is exactly what Arnie didn’t need; a mid-Eighties action movie, in which he once again attempts to exercise his palsied acting muscle, and for which the entire budget appeared to have been blown on the unjustifiably expensive star.

If nothing else, the 1990s saw a shift away from mindless action to more cerebral fare. From the snappy dialogue of Tarantino, to the balletic grace of John Woo, audiences demand more than the same muscle-bound actors playing the same roles, performing the same stunts. Stallone swung with the times, larding himself up for Copland, and receiving critical acclaim for it, while Bruce Willis has chosen his roles wisely since Die Hard, The Sixth Sense effectively destroying any memories of grubby vests and “Yippee-ki-yay” muthafuckery.

Schwarzenegger, however, seems mired in the past. Were there any justice in this world, 75% of everything he’s ever done – Twins, Kindergarten Cop, Eraser, Junior, Last Action Hero, Jingle All The Way, End Of Days – would’ve gone direct to video. In fact, he’s only ever made three truly great movies; The Terminator, and Terminator 2: Judgement Day, in which he played a emotionless cyborg, and spoke but a handful of lines, and True Lies.  By no coincidence, all three were written and directed by James Cameron; the only man in Hollywood who seems able to make Schwarzenegger shine.

The fact remains that Schwarzenegger is good for one thing only; firing a gun, and sooner or later he’s going to be so old, wrinkled, and crippled with heart problems, that his attempts to do even that will look ridiculously clumsy. His absurd forays into comedy have repeatedly fallen flat, and only when he attempts to stretch himself as an actor – see the “crying” scene in End Of Days – is he genuinely comic. The sooner Schwarzenegger or, more likely, his agent, realise that his $20 million presence in a movie severely limits its budget, and decide to lower his fee, the better. Typically, if a Schwarzenegger movie works, it’s likely to have little to do with its star. His legend eclipses the reality.

Something must be done and fast, if he’s ever to claw back his dignity, and play out his remaining days with grace. Here we name five movies which, if done properly, would let the Schwarzenegger magic sparkle. And make him a bit less shit.

TERMINATOR 3
Apparently already in the works sans the involvement of series co-creator James Cameron, or Schwarzenegger himself, we can’t see a Terminator movie working with neither at oppsite ends of a camera. Arnie as The Terminator is an icon; there isn’t another actor who could fill those shades. Grimacing and saying nothing is what Arnie does best; he was born to play this role.

CRUSADE
Since the early 1990s, Crusade has been tipped as Arnie’s next project, re-teaming him with director Paul Verhoeven. The rumours have been ongoing for so long now, that it’ll be a miracle if the movie ever gets made – particularly now that the originall mooted studio, Carolco, has gone bust. Nevertheless, Crusade has gone down in legend as the ultimate potential Schwarzenegger movie, in which the floppy-titted Austrian would play a feudal serf carrying Christ’s crucifixion cross back to Rome – hacking his way through hordes of anti-social heathens, as he goes.

TRUE LIES 2
Highly likely to get made, given that the original cast and writer/director James Cameron are all keen, we’re happy for any opportunity to see Cameron and Schwarzenegger team up once more. By keeping the action on the border of parody the whole time – while being genuinely thrilling – Cameron made the original movie the star, while fooling Arnold into thinking he was. Silly idiot.

I AM LEGEND
Another oft-mooted project, in which Schwarzenegger would’ve played the last human left alive on an Earth populated by cannibalistic zombies - thereby making his interaction with other people somewhat limited (and thereby making for a better movie overall). The script is intelligent, and the once-attached director Ridley Scott would’ve got the best out of Schwarzenegger. Too bad it won’t be getting made any time soon.

HARD BOILED
Based upon the comic by Frank Miller and Geoff Darrow – and not the John Woo actioner – a Hard Boiled movie has been rumoured for about a year now. Though it has been Nicholas Cage and not Schwarzenegger whose name has been attached, we’d kill to see Arnie playing Nixon, the malfunctioning, homicidal cyborg tax collector, cutting a swathe of destruction through a future city as he makes his way home to his imaginary family. Sort of Jingle All The Way meets The Terminator.

THREE MOVIES WE DON’T WANT TO SEE SCHWARZENEGGER IN

SPIDER-MAN
Arnie as Doctor Octopus? Don’t be stupid.

ANY ALIENS SEQUEL
Arnie was once tipped to star in Alien 3 when Sigourney Weaver was having doubts. We can’t see it, somehow…

THE SIXTH DAY
Arnie’s big movie for next summer. A helicopter pilot crashes, and is left for dead. When he returns home, he finds he’s been replaced by an exact clone of himself. Yes. That sounds really… “excellent”.