Warner Bros. are in a quandary. After Joel Schumacher effectively killed its lucrative Batman franchise with his Batman & Robin pantomime, Warners have been undecided as to the direction of their property. Three projects are known to sit upon the drawing board. Batman: Year One is a movie prequel to the existing movie series, featuring a return to basics for the character as he adopts the bat-mantle for the first time, Batman Beyond is a futuristic live-action take on the Dark Knight based upon the recent animated series, while Bruce Wayne would be a high-budget TV show dealing with the character as he undergoes the training that would make him a caped crime-fighter.

However, there is a fourth project circulating at Warners. It’s a script for Batman V, a logical, chronological continuation of the series to date, and potentially the best Batman movie ever made. Through our contacts within the trousers of Hollywood itself, Bubblegun has managed to get hold of the Batman V screenplay, and at great personal risk, we present an extract her – it’s another Bubblegun exclusive!

INT. BATCAVE
A dark, foreboding subterranean cavern. We pan down from the highest reaches, where thousands of bats nest. We track down past high-tech cables and wires, to a platform suspended in the middle of the deep chamber. We pass by the BATMOBILE, the BATCOPTER, rows of armoured BAT-COSTUMES… finally we settle on the BATMAN himself, seated before the giant BATCOMPUTER. He cocks his head towards a mournful whining.

ROBIN
(off-screen)
Please let me out.

BATMAN
Not until you say sorry.

We cut to ROBIN. His costume is tattered and filthy, and he’s trapped inside a small cage, with straw and muck on the floor.

ROBIN
What am I supposed to be saying sorry for?

BATMAN
You know what.

ROBIN
I was trying to play Quake. I didn’t even think about looking in your private files.

BATMAN
Don’t lie to me. Look – the icons are all messed about on the desktop. You’ve been trying to look at my… special… evidence.

ROBIN
Evidence my backside. I know what those files are.

BATMAN
How do you know? You don’t know anything.

ROBIN
Well I’ve seen the file names in the recycle bin. “Cum2.jpeg” and “Bigdave11.gif” were two which particularly jumped out at me.

BATMAN
They’re… it’s… they’re codenames. For evidence.

ROBIN
You’re supposed to empty the recycle bin if you don’t want me to know what you’re downloading off the Internet, you know.

BATMAN
What are you accusing me of?

ROBIN
You spend too much time down here. Surfing the Internet on that thing until all hours.

BATMAN
So? I’ve told you, I’ve got a friend in Mexico that I sometimes talk to. It’s cheaper than phoning, Robin!

ROBIN
Yeah right. What friend in Mexico? 

BATMAN
His name is, er, Mister Lopez. He says that he might come and stay with us for a while this summer.

ROBIN
Mister Lopez? What sort of a name is that?

BATMAN
Well it’s a better name than “Robin”. Hah – think of  all the other birds we could have called you after…Tit, cock, bustard, ball-bag-bird…

ROBIN
There’s no such thing as a ball-bag-bird.

BATMAN
And how would you know? You live in a cage.

ROBIN
I don’t live in a cage. You put me in a cage yesterday because you think I may have been looking at your computer pornography.

BATMAN
Shut-up about it. I know martial arts, you know. I could kick you in the mouth from here.

ROBIN
How? Unless you can extend your leg fifteen feet.

BATMAN
God, you’re so annoying. You know that’s not what I mean. I mean I’ll come over there and kick you in the mouth.

ROBIN
Yes, but you said you could kick me in the mouth from over there.

BATMAN
Yes, well, if you were over here I could kick you in the mouth, couldn’t I?

ROBIN
I dunno. But that’s not what you said.

BATMAN
Does it matter, Robin? Is it really important?

ROBIN
Well you seem to be getting very bothered by it.

BATMAN
That’s only because you’re deliberately annoying me.

ROBIN
I was just pointing out your errors. You can’t stand it that you get it wrong sometimes, can you?

BATMAN
Right. That’s it.

ROBIN
What are you doing?

Batman gets to his feet. He pulls a big axe from within his cape.

BATMAN
I’m going to get you. I’m going to really get you, Robin.

He starts to advance on the cage. Robin panics.

ROBIN
Wait, Batman! Bruce! Brucie-baby! I’ll do anything – anything you want. Just don’t chop me up.

Batman smiles.

BATMAN
You know what Batman likes, Robin…

ROBIN
I do. But didn’t we break the glass coffee table the last time we attempted it?