Shockingly, there
may be people reading Bubblegun who have never heard of
Doctor Who. For the curiously ignorant, Doctor Who ran
for almost 30 years, making it the longest-running
science fiction show in the world. Following the
adventures of an enigmatic time-traveller, capable of
regenerating his appearance upon death, the show was
eventually killed by a diminished budget, apparent
reinvention as a series for under-12s and idiots, and a
general lack of respect by its parent corporation.
You have to wonder how
the BBC thinks. Ten years after it disappeared from our
screen (forgetting, for the time being, the 1995
US-produced TV movie), Doctor Who continues to make
large bags of money. Yet beyond occasional skits for
Children In Need, or Comic Relief, the BBC refuses to
cough up for new Doctor Who. Oh, there are new audio
plays featuring past Doctors and assorted assistants,
but let’s face it: it’s not the real thing. In the
hands of a proper producer (rotund 1980s producer John
Nathan-Turner is credited by many fans with accelerating
the death of Doctor Who) and script editor, there’s no
reason why Doctor Who couldn’t be returned to its
creepy, gothic heyday of the mid-1970s.
As the stories
remaining to be released on video finally run out, and
once-loyal fans start to spend their money on
US-produced shows (Buffy is reportedly very popular
among Doctor Who fans) and real ale, the BBC will soon
be facing a Time Lord crisis: does it finally bite the
bullet, swallow its pride, and produce all-new Doctor
Who to feed the demand of the show’s gradually
dwindling fanbase?
The BBC is adamant that
it cannot afford new Doctor Who, and has - some would
say rather casually - sought two other avenues to take
the property forward; a co-produced TV show financed
with American or Australian money, or a fully-fledged,
big-budget movie. Recently, the press has reported that
Paul Anderson - director of Event Horizon and Mortal
Kombat - has signed on to the Doctor Who film, which is
finally moving forwards after years of speculation and
whispering. Slightly more excitingly, Gary Oldman has
expressed an interest in the role, going as far as to
say that he’d jump at the chance "If the money
and script were right". A movie is a high-risk
gamble, and Oldman is by no means dead-cert bankable
(Lost In Space was remarkably dull), but he would make a
good Doctor. But would he be the best Doctor? Bubblegun
has chosen to cast the Doctor Who movie itself. Look
below for our dream team of Doctors, assistants and
antagonists.
The Doctor -
Ian Holm
It wouldn’t be a
Doctor Who movie without at least one regeneration. In
our dream flick, the Doctor would start out being
portrayed by greying Brit thesp Ian Holm, who could be
seen in The Fifth Element as that funny priest bloke,
and would bring a certain gravitas to the role before
crashing his TARDIS into a traffic light and flying
through the windscreen.
The Doctor -
Gary Oldman
He says he wants the
part, so we say give it to him. Providing Oldman can
delve inside himself and retrieve some of that Dracula
darkness, there’s no-one we’d rather have playing
our hero. Except, of course, Tom Baker circa 1976.
Brigadier
Lethbridge-Stewart - Brian Blessed
If you’re wanting to
hit upon the cornerstones of the Doctor Who mythos, you
need to feature U.N.I.T. - the United Nations
Intelligence Taskforce. Who better to play the shouty
head of U.N.I.T. than shouty, domineering Brian Blessed.
Providing he knows when to keep his fat gob shut.
Davros - Gene
Hackman
Hey - you have the
Doctor, so you need his arch-enemies the Daleks,
preferably buffed up with state-of-the-art special
effects. Who better to play their creator than a major
A-list star, hidden beneath a mound of prosthetics?
The Master -
Patrick Stewart
He’s proved he can do
bad in Conspiracy Theory, and with his Shakespearean
background, Patrick Stewart would be the perfect foil to
Oldman’s Doctor. Admittedly, he’d need a goatee, but
we’re sure the makeup budget could stretch to that.
Susan - Sarah
Michellle Geller
She’s hot, she’s
hip, and she’d do a cool and sassy interpretation of
The Doctor’s grand-daughter, Susan.
The Voice Of K9
- Samuel L. Jackson
Well, why not?
ALTERNATIVELY,
THERE’S THE DOCTOR WHO MOVIE FROM HELL:
The Doctor -
Jim Carrey/Robin Williams
The Master -
Jack Nicholson
Davros - Arnold
Schwarzenegger
Susan - Alicia
Silverstone
**
STOP PRESS - EXCLUSIVE DOCTOR WHO MOVIE SCRIPT EXTRACT
**
While compiling
this feature, an copy of the Doctor Who movie script
came into our possession. As you’ll see from the
extract below, it adheres closely to established
continuity, and perfectly captures the atmosphere of the
classic TV show.
INT.
TARDIS CONTROL ROOM
The
Doctor throws himself around the central control
console, as the walls begin to spark and shake. His
hands play across the controls, and gradually the
destruction calms.
DOCTOR
There.
That should do it.
SUSAN
What
caused it, Doctor?
DOCTOR
I think I
flooded the temporal matrix with mercury from the fluid
link injectors.
SUSAN
Oh.
DOCTOR
Now,
Susan, wrap yourself up warm, because we’re going
somewhere very cold.
SUSAN
Is it the
frozen planet of Yarella, grandfather?
DOCTOR
Not quite,
Susan. It’s the freezer aisle of Sainsbury’s.
We’re out of chicken kievs again.
SUSAN
No!
INT.
SAINSBURY’S FREEZER AISLE. DAY
The
TARDIS wheezes into existence behind a stack of cereal
boxes. The Doctor and Susan emerge, and head towards a
freezer cabinet.
DOCTOR
Now,
Susan, I’ll keep a look-out while you shove the kievs
up your jumper.
SUSAN
Why do I
have to do that, grandfather?
DOCTOR
Just do as
I say, and when I say "run" - run into the
TARDIS.
SUSAN
We’re
going to steal the kievs?
DOCTOR
It’s not
stealing as such...
SUSAN
Yes it is.
This is shoplifting!
DOCTOR
Ssssh!
Keep it down. You won’t be stealing. You’ll be...
borrowing... them. We’ll give them back eventually.
SUSAN
What,
after we’ve eaten them?
DOCTOR
(after
a second or two)
Yes.
SUSAN
I’m not
stealing chicken kievs.
DOCTOR
Oh, go on.
Why not?
SUSAN
Because
it’s wrong. We might get caught.
DOCTOR
Don’t be
silly. I’m a Time Lord. If I get caught by security
I’ll just, I dunno...
SUSAN
You’ll
what?
DOCTOR
Fake an
epileptic fit, or something. Look, does it really
matter? Just grab the kievs and let’s get the bloody
hell out of here.
SUSAN
No.
DOCTOR
Do it. Go
on, girl. Do it now.
SUSAN
You do it.
DOCTOR
I can’t
do it. I’m your grandfather - what sort of an example
would that be to set?
SUSAN
(she
sighs)
Why
can’t we just get our dinner out of the TARDIS food
machine?
DOCTOR
Because I
blew it apart with a shotgun.
SUSAN
You did
what?
DOCTOR
(mumbling)
My soup
was cold.
SUSAN
Oh, for
god’s sake... Okay, I’ll grab the kievs, but you
have to swear to keep a look out.
DOCTOR
Yes, of
course. That’s the idea.
Susan
reaches into the freezer cabinet, and shoves two packs
of Sun Valley chicken kievs under her jumper. A gnarled
hand grasps her shoulder.
SECURITY
GUARD
Excuse me,
miss. Store security. I do hope you were intending to
pay for those Sun Valley chicken kievs.
SUSAN
(looking
around desperately)
Er, look,
my grandfather will explain... He’s around here
somewhere.
SECURITY
GUARD
I don’t
see anyone, miss. Perhaps you’d like to accompany me
to the office.
Susan
catches sight of the Doctor rushing into the TARDIS.
SUSAN
That’s
him! Grandfather! Doctor, help me!
The
Doctor pretends not to hear, and slams the TARDIS door
closed behind him. The time machine dematerialises.
SECURITY
GUARD
Come
along, miss.
SUSAN
Wait... I
think I’m going to have a fit.
Susan
drops to the ground, and engages in an unconvincing
series of mock convulsions. The Security Guard observes
her routine with a weary disdain.
SECURITY
GUARD
When
you’ve finished, miss...
