ET II – EXCLUSIVE SCRIPT EXTRACT

Steven Spielberg has long denied any desire to direct a sequel to his 1982 hit, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial. However, rumblings within the Hollywood machine have revealed that plans for a sequel to the heart-warming alien movie are in motion. With the bug-eyed brownie already appearing in a series of British Telecom commercials, and set to feature in a number of all-new video games, the stage is set for the return of one of movie history’s most enduring characters. Best of all is that Bubblegun has managed to get its hands on a copy of the second draft of E.T. II: Return To Earth, and we present for you here an exclusive extract…

INT. ELLIOT’S BEDROOM. NIGHT

Elliot, now a grown man, sleeps fitfully in a single bed. He hears a sound, and sits bolt upright to be confronted by his mother.

ELLIOT 
Mom! I heard a noise. I thought it might be…

MOM
You thought it might be ET. I know honey, I know. But ET is never coming back.

ELLIOT
(sobbing)
But why did he have to go away?

MOM
Honey…

ELLIOT
Mom?

MOM
You’re 32 years of age. Why are you still living at  home with me?

ELLIOT
Do you want me to leave?

MOM
Well… yes. I want to use your bedroom to store shoes in. I’m thinking of opening a mail order shoe shop, over the Internet. I’m going to call it Super Shoes.

ELLIOT
Why haven’t you ever told me about this before?

MOM
I have. I keep telling you, but you don’t listen. You just talk about ET all the time. And when you’re not talking about ET, you’re talking like him, and walking around on your knees pretending to be him.

ELLIOT
I know, mum. But ET was so funny! He talked funny, and he walked funny, and I loved him so much, mom.

MOM
But ET’s dead, honey.

ELLIOT
Dead?

MOM
Well, er… I mean, gone back to his home planet.

ELLIOT
You said he was dead.

MOM
No I didn’t.

ELLIOT
Yes you did. Are you hiding something from me?

MOM
No! No I’m not! And for the record you must never look in the large cardboard box that I keep in the shed! Never, do you hear me? Never! Now… goodnight!

ELLIOT
Hmm…

INT. ELLIOT’S MOM’S SHED. DAY

Elliot enters the shed. It’s cluttered with tools and storage boxes. Elliot moves some of the boxes to one side, and there, at the back of the shed is a very big box. Elliot takes a deep breath, and opens the box. Elliot gasps.

ELLIOT
Dad! Dad?

ELLIOT’S DAD
(getting out of the box) 
Hello, son.

ELLIOT
How long have you been in there?

ELLIOT’S DAD
Since about, ooh, 1979.

ELLIOT
I don’t understand. Why were you in there?

ELLIOT’S DAD
I don’t really know. I think it had something to do with…your mother. We had an argument at a restaurant… about the scallops, I think. And then she bet that I couldn’t live in a box in the garden for twenty years.

ELLIOT
But dad, it’s the year 2000 now. You’ve been in the box for twenty one years.

ELLIOT’S DAD
Then it’s about time I got out!

INT. ELLIOT’S KITCHEN. DAY

Elliot runs into the kitchen, squealing with excitement.

ELLIOT
Mom! Mom! I just found dad in that box, and he’s OK! He’s just doing a poo in the bushes. Mom? Mom, what are you doing?

Elliot’s mother is kicking ET’s corpse around the kitchen floor.

MOM
Oh. Err…

ELLIOT
Is that… ET?

MOM
No.

ELLIOT
Yes it is.

MOM
Well, yes. It is. But he’s dead. Really dead.

ELLIOT
But I don’t understand.

MOM
I’ve got a revelation to make. You see, a couple of years ago ET came back to see you. Unfortunately, I mistook him for a werewolf, and shot him dead. I’ve been keeping him in the cupboard under the sink ever since.

ELLIOT
But… why?

MOM
Well, you know… He makes a surprisingly effective mop.  How did you think I managed to keep my floor so clean?

ELLIOT
I don’t know. The last time I asked you just laughed and said “I use my pussy”.

MOM
Did I?

ELLIOT
Yes. I think you were quite drunk at the time.

Elliot’s Mom laughs, nervously.

MOM
So, what are you going to do now?

ELLIOT
I’m going to play with my best friend – ET, the alien!

MOM
But he’s dead, he’s…

Elliot is hugging ET’s corpse.

ELLIOT
Oh, ET. I love you so much.

MOM
Elliot, put that thing down. It’s all decayed and disgusting.

Elliot starts dancing with ET’s corpse.

ELLIOT
Ha ha ha! This is so much fun! Wheee! Wheeee!

Elliot and ET spin around and around and around. And then ET’s head falls off.

MOM
Jesus Christ, Elliot! Stop it!

ELLIOT
(picking up the head)
Oh, ET. Stop messing about!