|
KNIFE & WIFE
by Paul Rose
EXT.
SCHOOL. DAY
An ordinary school
MR
CAKEBREAD
(v/o)
Now if you would all please study the stuffed
buzzard
very closely…
INT.
CLASSROOM. DAY
MR
CAKEBREAD
(continued)
…As I will shortly be asking questions about it.
Mr
Cakebread is one of those horrible teachers who
think they’re hip. The confused class look on at the
unseen buzzard. Jeffrey is seated near the front.
Are we
ready? Good. First question. Is this really a
stuffed buzzard?
Though
unsure, Jeffrey nevertheless raises his hand.
Yes,
Jeffrey?
JEFFREY
No it isn’t?
MR CAKEBREAD
Correct.
Pull
back to reveal the “buzzard”: it’s a mature lady,
sitting on a stool.
It is
in fact my mother.
MR CAKEBREAD’S MOTHER
Hello, children.
MR CAKEBREAD
Say hello to my mother, class.
The
kids half say “Hello, Mr Cakebread’s mother”, but it
sort of trails off into intelligible mumbles.
Now
what does all this tell us about the buzzard’s
hunting instinct?
Jeffrey raises his hand again. Mr Cakebread motions
for him to speak.
JEFFREY
Um… nothing?
MR CAKEBREAD
That’s right, Jeffrey. Absolutely nothing.
Mr Cakebread’s mother starts eating a sandwich.
MR CAKEBREAD
However, I had promised to show you a stuffed
buzzard today, and as Jeffrey pointed out, this
isn’t a buzzard, it’s my mother.
Therefore, can anyone tell me where the real buzzard
is?
Jeffrey raises his hand.
JEFFREY
Is that it on your head, sir?
MR CAKEBREAD
Well done, Jeffrey.
Pull
back. The stuffed buzzard is on Mr Cakebread’s head.
I am
indeed balancing the buzzard on my head.
Jeffrey’s Friend whispers to him.
JEFFREY’S FRIEND
Isn’t this supposed to be double maths?
With a
grunt, Mr Cakebread hurls the stuffed buzzard at
Jeffrey’s Friend with incredible force. He cries out
in pain when it hits him in the face.
MR CAKEBREAD
No talking!
|
