Everyone hates us English guys, and that’s OK. But nobody hates us more than Hollywood, and specifically actor Mel Gibson. The hunky action hero is back on movie screens to fight the wicked English once again, in Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich’s lush American Revolution tale, The Patriot. As with Gibson’s Braveheart, the English are shown up to be the murdering cowards that everyone knows we are.

Heck, if Hollywood requires a bad guy, it’s always the English who gets the call, and so it should be; just look at Star Wars – all the baddies in that are English. And if we’re not shown as being evil, we’re shown to be useless. Independence Day had the English sitting around on their “bloody” arses waiting for an American cable TV installer to save the universe, while in Saving Private Ryan, and U-571, the British involvement in World War II was written out of history altogether.

Hey – we’re not bitter. In fact, we’re so ashamed of our cowardly, evil ways, we’re going to suggest a few more historical scenarios that Hollywood producers might like to pervert in the name of entertainment…


The poor Argentine people have suffered for centuries beneath the yoke of English oppression. They rally behind their unelected leader, General Rollo Galtieri (Mel Gibson), in staging peaceful protests against their colonial dictators.

Back in London, Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher (Miranda Richardson) hatches a plot to put an end to the troublesome “Argies”, by destroying their spiritual homeland, the Falkland Islands, with a nuclear bomb! Rollo catches wind of the plan, and takes a small fishing boat – the Belgrano – and a hand-picked crew, to the islands, where they plan to televise their imminent vaporisation, and become martyrs to their cause.

Thatcher wants none of it, and sends in her jackbooted stormtroopers to capture Rollo, and have him stand trial for rabble-rousing. Armed only with crude weapons fashioned out of sticks and gravel, Rollo’s small band of men fight off the heavily-armed English invaders.

At the movie’s climax, Thatcher herself is air-dropped onto the Falklands, and shoots an unarmed Rollo in the back. The killing is caught on camera by the world’s media. The result is immediate – Rollo immediately ascends to martyrdom, and Thatcher becomes a metaphor for English brutality.


Gerry Adams (Mel Gibson) is an unassuming Irishman, with a wife and two beautiful sons. Though his friends are involved in the ongoing underground conflict with their peoples’ British oppressors, Gerry wants nothing to do with the battle, and is content with his life of Guinness-drinking, and potato-eating.

However, he’s provoked into action when British troops invade his home, steal his favourite hat and piano, tweak his wife’s nipples, brutally bum-rape his sons, take photographs of the bumming, and then print the photos in the British propaganda sheet, The English Times, under the headline: “Paddy Takes It Up The Arse”.

Heroically armed with nail bombs and sacks of fertiliser, Gerry launches an assault upon the headquarters of the British Army HQ. Unfortunately, the attack goes awry, and Gerry is arrested, and found guilty of high treason. He’s about to be hanged in front of the Queen (Miranda Richardson), when his youngest son, Martin McGuinness (Haley Joel Osment), runs in with tears in his eyes, pleading: “Please don’t kill my daddy, ma’am”.

With an evil sneer, the Queen gives the order to have Gerry executed. And then she kicks young Martin to death with her stiletto heels. But in the wake of the tragedy, Ireland rises up, and pledges to throw off the chains of oppression, governed by the beliefs of their fallen leader…


Brave Nazi officer Adolph Hitler (Mel Gibson) is distraught when his beautiful young wife, Eva Braun (Cameron Diaz) is killed by an unprovoked English bombing raid. He pledges to get even on the cruel English pig dogs, but when he can’t convince his peace-loving superiors to sanction a war, he takes matters into his own hands, and recruits troops for his own invasion of England.

Aboard their small coracle, he raises morale with the following speech: “The colonial scourge of the dreaded English has oppressed and repressed free people for centuries… But now the tide is turning. We, the people of Germany, shall unite the free peoples of this world, and teach the English a lesson, for the hate and prejudice they have inflicted upon this fragile, beautiful sphere… They can bomb our cities, but they can NEVER BOMB OUR HEARTS!”

The movie climaxes with a pulse-pounding fist-fight between brave Adolph, and the cruel English ruler, Winston Churchill (Winston Churchill), atop the Houses Of Parliament. When Adolph gets the upper hand, the sobbing, pitiful Churchill begs for his life. Adolph spares him, but as he turns his back, Churchill cowardly stubs his cigar out on Adolph’s head, killing him instantly… But his legend lives on!

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