HOW
TO HATE THE ENGLISH EVEN MORE
Everyone
hates us English guys, and that’s OK. But nobody hates
us more than Hollywood, and specifically actor Mel
Gibson. The hunky action hero is back on movie screens
to fight the wicked English once again, in Dean Devlin
and Roland Emmerich’s lush American Revolution tale,
The Patriot. As with Gibson’s Braveheart, the English
are shown up to be the murdering cowards that everyone
knows we are.
Heck,
if Hollywood requires a bad guy, it’s always the
English who gets the call, and so it should be; just
look at Star Wars – all the baddies in that are
English. And if we’re not shown as being evil, we’re
shown to be useless. Independence Day had the English
sitting around on their “bloody” arses waiting for
an American cable TV installer to save the universe,
while in Saving Private Ryan, and U-571, the British
involvement in World War II was written out of history
altogether.
Hey
– we’re not bitter. In fact, we’re so ashamed of
our cowardly, evil ways, we’re going to suggest a few
more historical scenarios that Hollywood producers might
like to pervert in the name of entertainment…
DO
CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA
The
poor Argentine people have suffered for centuries
beneath the yoke of English oppression. They rally
behind their unelected leader, General Rollo Galtieri
(Mel Gibson), in staging peaceful protests against their
colonial dictators.
Back
in London, Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher (Miranda
Richardson) hatches a plot to put an end to the
troublesome “Argies”, by destroying their spiritual
homeland, the Falkland Islands, with a nuclear bomb!
Rollo catches wind of the plan, and takes a small
fishing boat – the Belgrano – and a hand-picked
crew, to the islands, where they plan to televise their
imminent vaporisation, and become martyrs to their
cause.
Thatcher
wants none of it, and sends in her jackbooted
stormtroopers to capture Rollo, and have him stand trial
for rabble-rousing. Armed only with crude weapons
fashioned out of sticks and gravel, Rollo’s small band
of men fight off the heavily-armed English invaders.
At
the movie’s climax, Thatcher herself is air-dropped
onto the Falklands, and shoots an unarmed Rollo in the
back. The killing is caught on camera by the world’s
media. The result is immediate – Rollo immediately
ascends to martyrdom, and Thatcher becomes a metaphor
for English brutality.
FREEDOM
OF THE POTATO PEOPLE
Gerry
Adams (Mel Gibson) is an unassuming Irishman, with a
wife and two beautiful sons. Though his friends are
involved in the ongoing underground conflict with their
peoples’ British oppressors, Gerry wants nothing to do
with the battle, and is content with his life of
Guinness-drinking, and potato-eating.
However,
he’s provoked into action when British troops invade
his home, steal his favourite hat and piano, tweak his
wife’s nipples, brutally bum-rape his sons, take
photographs of the bumming, and then print the photos in
the British propaganda sheet, The English Times, under
the headline: “Paddy Takes It Up The Arse”.
Heroically
armed with nail bombs and sacks of fertiliser, Gerry
launches an assault upon the headquarters of the British
Army HQ. Unfortunately, the attack goes awry, and Gerry
is arrested, and found guilty of high treason. He’s
about to be hanged in front of the Queen (Miranda
Richardson), when his youngest son, Martin McGuinness
(Haley Joel Osment), runs in with tears in his eyes,
pleading: “Please don’t kill my daddy, ma’am”.
With
an evil sneer, the Queen gives the order to have Gerry
executed. And then she kicks young Martin to death with
her stiletto heels. But in the wake of the tragedy,
Ireland rises up, and pledges to throw off the chains of
oppression, governed by the beliefs of their fallen
leader…
THE
BRAVEST NAZI
Brave
Nazi officer Adolph Hitler (Mel Gibson) is distraught
when his beautiful young wife, Eva Braun (Cameron Diaz)
is killed by an unprovoked English bombing raid. He
pledges to get even on the cruel English pig dogs, but
when he can’t convince his peace-loving superiors to
sanction a war, he takes matters into his own hands, and
recruits troops for his own invasion of England.
Aboard
their small coracle, he raises morale with the following
speech: “The colonial scourge of the dreaded English
has oppressed and repressed free people for centuries…
But now the tide is turning. We, the people of Germany,
shall unite the free peoples of this world, and teach
the English a lesson, for the hate and prejudice they
have inflicted upon this fragile, beautiful sphere…
They can bomb our cities, but they can NEVER BOMB OUR
HEARTS!”
The
movie climaxes with a pulse-pounding fist-fight between
brave Adolph, and the cruel English ruler, Winston
Churchill (Winston Churchill), atop the Houses Of
Parliament. When Adolph gets the upper hand, the
sobbing, pitiful Churchill begs for his life. Adolph
spares him, but as he turns his back, Churchill cowardly
stubs his cigar out on Adolph’s head, killing him
instantly… But his legend lives on!
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