MISSION:
IMPOSSIBLE 3
The
long-awaited, heavily-delayed Mission Impossible 2 was
release in the UK last week. Though cresting a wave of
hype, critical reaction has been mixed, with journalists
and movie-goers alike agreeing that it’s something of
a wank-fest for young Master Cruise, while the middle
act is as dull as ditchwater. Nevertheless, the film has
done well in the US, and looks likely to repeat the feat
over here. Naturally, we can all expect a Mission
Impossible 3 sometime within the next five years. But
what, daddy, should the plot be? Bubblegun suggests
three possible storylines that truly live up to the
“Mission: Impossible” designation…
MISSION:
IMPOSSIBLE 3 – THE EVEREST GAMBIT
Tom
Cruise, the secret agent, chooses to accept a mission
which requires him to infiltrate an enemy installation
that has been built at the very top of Mount Everest,
and then take photographs of a special gun, that is kept
in a locked room protected with laser beams, invisible
razor wire, and a sixty feet tall mutant bipedal
crocodile called “Frazier McDeath”. After he’s
taken photographs of the special gun, he has to destroy
the gun, even though the gun is a) Made out of an
indestructible resin, and b) Kept in temporal
displacement, so that it continually exists a
millisecond into the future. After that, he has to get
back down the mountain naked, fighting spike-fisted
samurai all the way, while gargling with broken glass.
Once he reaches the bottom, he has to put on a pair of
underpants made out of sandpaper, and drag himself on
his stomach to New York, when he must defuse a nuclear
bomb that has been stitched to the stomach of a pregnant
woman, who won’t let him defuse the bomb, and keeps
hitting him over the head with a frying pan. Finally,
when he’s successfully defused the bomb, he’s
required to catch a plane to India, where he has to
drink a bath-full of untreated water, siphoned directly
from a river in which local villagers do their poo and
wee. The End.
MISSION:
IMPOSSIBLE 3 – PRISON OF DEATH
Tom
Cruise, the secret agent, has to break into a maximum
high security prison, populated entirely by sex-starved
homosexual mass murderers, and retrieve a special
document from the pouting anus of the prison’s
toughest inmate, Davey Knuckles. Then, dressed as a
female elephant, he has to escape from the prison
through a secret tunnel infested with randy bull
elephants, who have had their sexual organs replaced
with flamethrowers. Once out into the open, he must
cross a minefield wearing a big pair of clown shoes,
while riding a space-hopper. The next part of his
mission finds Cruise trying to remain upright for as
long as possible in a windtunnel, while strapped to a
hang-glider, and at the rear of the tunnel a load of
razor blades have been glued to the wall. If he survives
that, he has to appear on television, and offer a $50
million reward to anyone who can kill him, and an extra
$75 million if they kill him in a funny way. The End.
MISSION:
IMPOSSIBLE 3 – DYNAMIC ADVENTURE OF TERROR
Tom
Cruise, the secret agent, finds himself accepting a
mission to travel to the moon, via the heart of the sun,
in a spaceship constructed from a couple of vacuum
cleaners strapped to cardboard box. If he successfully
survives his journey, he must search the moon for the
tiniest diamond in the galaxy, which he needs to power
the engine of his craft, to get him back home. Once he
returns home, he finds his apartment overrun with a
billion robot ninjas, whom he has to defeat one after
another in unarmed combat. Then, when’s he’s mopped
the floor with the cybo-ninjas, his legs blow up, and
– crippled and bleeding – he has to make his way to
Paris, and climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower to raise
a flag bearing a slogan that offends French people.
Then, he has to make his way through the Parisian
streets, screaming racial abuse, before taking up
residence on the banks of the Seine, challenging random
passers-by to kick him in the head. Then he gets fired
out of a cannon into a wall, and gets sat on by a really
big walrus.
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