When
20th Century Fox announced its intention
to remake sci-fi classic Planet Of The Apes, there
can be few film fans who didn’t find their choice
of director – gothic maverick Tim Burton – to be
somewhat left-field. Best known for his darkly comic
fantasy fables Batman, Sleepy Hollow, Mars Attacks
and Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Burton’s visual
credentials are not in question. Whether he can
recapture the shock twist of the original movie’s
ending – in which the ape-dominated planet is
revealed to be a post-apocalyptic Earth – is
another matter.
However, Bubblegun
has been fortunate enough to take hold of a genuine
Planet Of The Apes shooting script, leaked out to us
from the set of the movie.
Dated 4/3/2001, and
attributed to Burton and producer Richard Zanuck,
here’s an extract from the final scene of the
film, that finally answers the question of how
Burton intends to top THAT ending…
EXT. FORBIDDEN ZONE. DAY
Dirk Diggler rides on horseback
through the dusty desert, as the sun rises slowly
in the sky. On the saddle behind him is Stella,
the beautiful human girl.
DIRK
Golly! What a big adventure
we’ve had. First, my spaceship crashed on this
strange, alien world, which happens to be ruled by
talking apes, and then I met you, and then some
other stuff happened, and now look at us –
riding on a bloody horse across a desert, called
The Forbidden Zone! This truly has been one of the
strangest days of my life!
STELLA
Yes. You really shook up this
crazy ape-run planet!
DIRK
Yes. Ha ha ha! Stupid apes.
Suddenly, an ape army steps out
from behind a bush. Their leader addresses a
startled Dirk.
MICKEY THE
MONKEY
Grrr! Say that again, and I’ll
tear your face off.
DIRK
Mickey the Monkey! But… but I
thought I’d brained you with that hammer, and
tossed your corpse down a well.
MICKEY THE
MONKEY
That was my identical twin
brother, David The Monkey. And his death has made
me really determined to get even with… YOU!
DIRK
Blimey – and you’ve followed
me out here, with your ape army of approximately
four billion horse-riding monkeys?
MICKEY THE
MONKEY
That’s right. We’re going to
get you for all that stuff you did earlier.
DIRK
That sounds fair. But first, why
don’t you introduce me to some of your soldiers?
MICKEY THE
MONKEY
Well, that isn’t usual
practice, but I don’t see why not… OK –
first up meet Gareth The Gibbon. He’s our
custard pie expert. Secondly, here’s…
DIRK
I’m sorry… did you say
‘custard pie expert’?
MICKEY THE
MONKEY
Yes. Is something wrong with
that?
DIRK
Um…. no. Carry on.
MICKEY THE
MONKEY
Ok. Secondly, this is Richard
The Orang-utan. He’s skilled in the art of
flicking people with wet towels. Then there’s…
DIRK
Wet towels?
MICKEY THE
MONKEY
Yes. What about them?
DIRK
Am I to believe your troops are
armed with nothing more lethal than custard pies
and wet towels?
MICKEY THE
MONKEY
They ARE lethal.
DIRK
Fine. If they’re so lethal,
let’s see you kill the beautiful Stellar with a
custard pie.
STELLAR
Hang on a minute…!
DIRK
It’ll be all right.
STELLAR
But what if it isn’t? What if
I get hurt?
DIRK
Well exactly.
STELLAR
What?
DIRK
Why d’you think I don’t want
to do it? Pff. I’m not stupid, you know.
STELLAR
How can you treat me like this?
I had sex with you!
DIRK
No you didn’t.
STELLAR
Yes I did.
DIRK
No you didn’t. Apes –
custard pie the lying slapper.
Stellar dies beneath a volley of
lethal custard pies.
DIRK
Jesus Fucking Christ!!! I’m
getting out of here!
Dirk runs away, taking refuge in
a valley, some two miles distant.
MICKEY THE
MONKEY
Get him.
Dirk hides behind a big rock.
His foot nudges against something. He looks down,
and frowns at a metal lever, jutting out of the
desert floor.
DIRK
I wonder what happens if I pull
this…
Dirk yanks on the lever. Almost
immediately, his surroundings drop away –
revealed to be nothing more than a painted
backcloth. Dirk’s jaw drops as he takes in his
new surroundings – the docking bay of the DEATH
STAR.
DIRK
I don’t believe it! The planet
of the apes was really the Death Star, out of Star
Wars, all along.
MICKEY THE
MONKEY
Yes, and that’s not the only
surprise.
Mickey the Monkey grabs at his
face – pulling it off to reveal the horrible
visage of DARTH VADER.
DIRK
Darth Vader!
MICKEY THE
MONKEY/DARTH VADER
There’s more.
DIRK
No! There can’t be more!
MICKEY THE
MONKEY/DARTH VADER
There is. You see, Dirk – I am
your father.
DIRK
That’s impossible! How can you
be my father, when this is a space station, a long
time ago, in a galaxy far, far away?
MICKEY THE
MONKEY/DARTH VADER
Space station? Galaxy? Far, far
away? You are mistaken, Dirk. Just take a look
over there.
DIRK
The Statue Of Liberty! Then…
then I’ve been on earth all the time!? But
how?!?!
MICKEY THE
MONKEY/DARTH VADER
I don’t know – but you have!
DIRK
Wow! I’m not going to forget
this day in a hurry.
MICKEY THE
MONKEY/DARTH VADER
No. Nor will I!
DIRK
Ha ha ha ha ha!
PRINGLE THE
SPIDER-MONKEY
(rushing in)
Am I too late?!
MICKEY THE
MONKEY/DARTH VADER
Yes, Pringle – you’re always
too late!
ALL
Ha ha ha ha ha!
FADE TO END CREDITS
There’s no excuse, really. Well, all right. There is an excuse, of sorts – see, we’ve been busy with the Knife & Wife animated special for Channel 4 (whaddayamean you don’t
know anything about it, you revolting testicle? Click on the above banner to find out more). Also, we got really, really drunk, and fell down a manhole, and spent six months comforting a remorseful telecommunications engineer.
