20th Century Fox announced its intention
to remake sci-fi classic Planet Of The Apes, there
can be few film fans who didn’t find their choice
of director – gothic maverick Tim Burton – to be
somewhat left-field. Best known for his darkly comic
fantasy fables Batman, Sleepy Hollow, Mars Attacks
and Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Burton’s visual
credentials are not in question. Whether he can
recapture the shock twist of the original movie’s
ending – in which the ape-dominated planet is
revealed to be a post-apocalyptic Earth – is
has been fortunate enough to take hold of a genuine
Planet Of The Apes shooting script, leaked out to us
from the set of the movie.
Dated 4/3/2001, and
attributed to Burton and producer Richard Zanuck,
here’s an extract from the final scene of the
film, that finally answers the question of how
Burton intends to top THAT ending…
EXT. FORBIDDEN ZONE. DAY
Dirk Diggler rides on horseback
through the dusty desert, as the sun rises slowly
in the sky. On the saddle behind him is Stella,
the beautiful human girl.
Golly! What a big adventure
we’ve had. First, my spaceship crashed on this
strange, alien world, which happens to be ruled by
talking apes, and then I met you, and then some
other stuff happened, and now look at us –
riding on a bloody horse across a desert, called
The Forbidden Zone! This truly has been one of the
strangest days of my life!
Yes. You really shook up this
crazy ape-run planet!
Yes. Ha ha ha! Stupid apes.
Suddenly, an ape army steps out
from behind a bush. Their leader addresses a
Grrr! Say that again, and I’ll
tear your face off.
Mickey the Monkey! But… but I
thought I’d brained you with that hammer, and
tossed your corpse down a well.
That was my identical twin
brother, David The Monkey. And his death has made
me really determined to get even with… YOU!
Blimey – and you’ve followed
me out here, with your ape army of approximately
four billion horse-riding monkeys?
That’s right. We’re going to
get you for all that stuff you did earlier.
That sounds fair. But first, why
don’t you introduce me to some of your soldiers?
Well, that isn’t usual
practice, but I don’t see why not… OK –
first up meet Gareth The Gibbon. He’s our
custard pie expert. Secondly, here’s…
I’m sorry… did you say
‘custard pie expert’?
Yes. Is something wrong with
Um…. no. Carry on.
Ok. Secondly, this is Richard
The Orang-utan. He’s skilled in the art of
flicking people with wet towels. Then there’s…
Yes. What about them?
Am I to believe your troops are
armed with nothing more lethal than custard pies
and wet towels?
They ARE lethal.
Fine. If they’re so lethal,
let’s see you kill the beautiful Stellar with a
Hang on a minute…!
It’ll be all right.
But what if it isn’t? What if
I get hurt?
Why d’you think I don’t want
to do it? Pff. I’m not stupid, you know.
How can you treat me like this?
I had sex with you!
No you didn’t.
Yes I did.
No you didn’t. Apes –
custard pie the lying slapper.
Stellar dies beneath a volley of
lethal custard pies.
Jesus Fucking Christ!!! I’m
getting out of here!
Dirk runs away, taking refuge in
a valley, some two miles distant.
Dirk hides behind a big rock.
His foot nudges against something. He looks down,
and frowns at a metal lever, jutting out of the
I wonder what happens if I pull
Dirk yanks on the lever. Almost
immediately, his surroundings drop away –
revealed to be nothing more than a painted
backcloth. Dirk’s jaw drops as he takes in his
new surroundings – the docking bay of the DEATH
I don’t believe it! The planet
of the apes was really the Death Star, out of Star
Wars, all along.
Yes, and that’s not the only
Mickey the Monkey grabs at his
face – pulling it off to reveal the horrible
visage of DARTH VADER.
No! There can’t be more!
There is. You see, Dirk – I am
That’s impossible! How can you
be my father, when this is a space station, a long
time ago, in a galaxy far, far away?
Space station? Galaxy? Far, far
away? You are mistaken, Dirk. Just take a look
The Statue Of Liberty! Then…
then I’ve been on earth all the time!? But
I don’t know – but you have!
Wow! I’m not going to forget
this day in a hurry.
No. Nor will I!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Am I too late?!
Yes, Pringle – you’re always
Ha ha ha ha ha!
FADE TO END CREDITS