Last week the first ever image from Star Wars Episode II was published on the official Star Wars website. Sci-fi websites immediately seized upon the image, dissecting it to the Nth degree, and speculating upon the contents of the blurred, poorly-definited image. Bubblegun being great, we’re able to better even the official site, with a raft of exclusive images direct from the set of Episode I, supplied to us by our anonymous correspondent, Dave Ross. Here, in his own words, is an analysis of the images.

“Way cool!!!!! The images contained in the photo clearly tell us two things about the storyline of the forthcoming Star Wars prequel, Star Wars Episode II. The image tells us – albeit not literally, in the manner of that a human would use speech to tell another human something – more in the manner of telling us something through suggestion, via the images it contains and so on and so forth!!!! 

Firstly, you may be able to discern three distinct humanoid figures in this image. RAD!!!!!! Secondly, the figures appear to be crouched in the foliage of some jungle planet, probably Kashyyk, the planet of the Wookiees, and home of Chewbacca, the Wookiee partner of Han Solo, the dashing smuggler, and later Rebel hero, from Star Wars Episodes IV-VI!!!!??!!!! Using the information at hand, this correspondent suggests that the figures (though they’re not Star Wars: Power Of The Force action figures from Hasbro hahahahaa!!!!) are Mandalorian bounty hunters, who have travelled to Kashyyk to kill Wookies, whom Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, aka Darth Sidious, aka The Emperor, aka King Jedi-Killer, fears pose a threat to his sinister plans which he will be putting into practice in the forthcoming Star Wars Episode II and Episode III!!!!!!!!! Sh*******!!!!!!!!!!!???!!!! Fuxxxx!!!!!”  

“Here is what I believe to be a shot of the main adversaries in the forthcoming Star Wars Episode II – cybernetic Mandalorian bounty hunters!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone knows that Boba Fett, the enigmatic bounty hunter seen previously in Star Wars Episode IV-VI, will play a significant role in the forthcoming Star Wars Episode II, and we all know that Boba Fett wears Mandalorian armour!!!!? Put those facts together with the image, and you have a definite army of – potentially cloned – Mandalorians ready to pose a threat to the Jedi Council!!!!!! Man, I bet we’re going to see some major battles in Star Wars Episode II!!!! Imagine those Jedi with their raibow-coloured blades head to head with rocket-firing Mandalorians on the desert world of Tattooine!!!!!!! I can’t sleep at night already!!! What am I going to be like the day before the film opens?!!!?!!!! Oh!!! My!!! God!!!??!! I’m gonna cummmm!!!!!!”  

“Here he is, guys!!!?!!!! The major adversary in the forthcoming Star Wars Episode II: Darth Terrogator!!!!!!!!!! 

As you can see from the photograph, he’s the most terrifying Sith Lord ever yet to date!!!! Even more frightening and ghastly than the evil Darth Maul, the Sith Lord from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace!!!!!! The picture shows Terrogator in his full Star Wars Episode II costume, including his Sith goggles and vest, and even his lightsabre, which is long, flat and red, and can be seen here being twirled around his neck in deadly Sith fashion!!!!! My spies tell me that he’s from an all-new race of aliens, known as Kweens. Therefore, he’s literally a killer…. Kwwwwweeen!!!!! I can’t wait to see Christopher Walken or Christopher Lee in action as this killer dude!!!!!!???!!!!”  

“Here’s what I believe to be is a slightly out-of-focus pic of the main cast in their new costumes!!!!"

From left-to-right we have Natalie Portman (Queen Amidala), Ewan McGregor (Obi-Wan Kenobi), Hayden Christensen (Anakin Skywalker), Samuel L. Jackson (Mace Windu), and Joe Pesci (Senator Sal Ruskin-Mutt-Park-Oh-Do V.02). 

Man this is gonna be one cool movie!!!!??!!!!!!!!!! I for one cannot wait for the day it opens!!!!!! May the Force be with you all!!!!!! Super Cyber-Darth Internet, aka Mega-Jedi Dave Ross, signing off. Please don’t print my email address, as last time a load of hackerz got into my email account and signed me up for a porno mailing list, and my dad came into my room just as I was opening the attachment and he thought I was jerking off and then grounded me.”

Dave Ross

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