If you, like us, are
unashamed Star Wars geeks, you may have read one of many statements in
recent months issued by LucasFilm to the effect that Grubenfuhrer Lucas
has yet to complete the Episode II screenplay. So frequent are denials
that there is a finished script circulating the halls of Skywalker Ranch
or the 20th Century Fox studios in Australia, that you can’t
help but feel that they doth protest too much. Bubblegun knows for a fact
that Lucas completed a first draft of Episode II – subtitled “The
Clone Gambit (working title only)” – back in December. Bubblegun knows
this because Bubblegun has a copy of the script.
Printed on red paper,
and marked “#G6 – Art Department Eyes Only”, it’s clear from
reading the screenplay that Lucas has taken criticisms of Episode I on
board, and that this time around the movie will prove even more of a wet
dream for die-hard fans. Risking the wrath of a lawsuit, Bubblegun
nevertheless cannot resist printing a brief extract from an early section
of the script. Read on, children…
EXT.
JEDI TEMPLE. DUSK
Corscant’s
busy sky traffic cuts dark lines in the rapidly darkening orange, purple,
pink sky. We close in slowly on the majestic spires of the JEDI TEMPLE.
INT.
JEDI TEMPLE. TRAINING ROOM. DUSK
In a blur
of light, ANAKIN SKYWALKER deflects a number of rapid projectiles using
his laser sword. The assault over, Anakin cuts the power to the sword, and
relaxes. The projectiles – a number of delicious-looking cream cakes –
lay smouldering and cut into pieces at his feet.
ANAKIN
What’s
going on? Why are you throwing cakes at me?
Obi-Wan
Kenobi, grossly overweight and shoving a big birthday cake – candles and
all – into his newly-bearded gob, sits back on a crate and laughs.
OBI-WAN
What?
ANAKIN
I come
in here, and the first thing you do is start lobbing
bloody cakes at me.
OBI-WAN
Yeah,
well, it’s part of your training.
ANAKIN
No it
isn’t. You’re a liar. You just think it’s funny. You’re
such a twat.
OBI-WAN
Shut-up,
“Annie”. Shut-up and get on with your training.
Obi-Wan
idly throws the remains of his cake at Anakin.
ANAKIN
Now look
– you’ve got icing all over my robes. I’m meant to
be meeting Amidala, or Padme, or whatever her name is
in twenty minutes.
OBI-WAN
Oh
really? A girl? Makes a change from the boys you normally
go out with.
ANAKIN
I
don’t go out with boys!
OBI-WAN
Oh? But
I heard you were gay.
ANAKIN
What?
But… I… I’m not gay. I’ve never been gay.
OBI-WAN
I heard
that Master Yoda caught you trying to give a bum-up
to a shaved male wookiee. In a cupboard.
ANAKIN
Just get
lost! You’re always winding me up!
OBI-WAN
It’s
not a wind-up if it’s true.
ANAKIN
It
isn’t true, though! I’ve never bummed anything!
A beat.
OBI-WAN
(quietly)
Annie
bummed a woo-kiee. Annie bummed a woo-kiee.
ANAKIN
Wanker!
You’re a such a wanker! I remember when you used
to be such a cool guy with your split kicks and stuff, but now
you’re just fat and bitter and irritating.
OBI-WAN
Yeah,
but at least I don’t bum wookiees.
ANAKIN
Right,
that’s it. I’m going. I quit.
OBI-WAN
Yeah,
you just try and leave, mate. I’ve locked the doors!
Ha ha!
ANAKIN
(opening a
door)
No
you haven’t.
OBI-WAN
Well, it
was worth a try.
INT.
DARK CHAMBER.
Strange
pipes and shapes hang from the ceiling. A dark robed figure sits in a
throne at the far end of this long, dimly-lit room. It is DARTH SIDIOUS.
He is approached by the fearsome DARTH ORANGE, a freakish alien with a big
funnel for a nose.
DARTH
ORANGE
I’ve
come about the job.
DARTH
SIDIOUS
Ah
yes… and you are?
DARTH
ORANGE
Darth
Orange. We spoke on the, er, space phone.
DARTH
SIDIOUS
Ah yes.
That’s right. So do you have much experience
of being cruel and evil?
DARTH
ORANGE
What do
you mean?
DARTH
SIDIOUS
Well,
what are your qualifications to be a Sith? Have you ever killed anyone,
for instance?
DARTH
ORANGE
I
dunno… how’d you mean?
DARTH
SIDIOUS
Well,
have you ever killed anyone? You know: stopped
them from living?
DARTH
ORANGE
You
mean like tying them up?
DARTH
SIDIOUS
Well,
tying them up and then, maybe, hitting them over the
head with a hammer until their eyes burst, or tying them up
and forcing a cavity wall insulator down their throat.
DARTH
ORANGE
No.
DARTH
SIDIOUS
I
see. Well, can I ask why you applied for this job?
DARTH
ORANGE
I
like… jobs.
DARTH
SIDIOUS
Please
close the door on your way out.
Darth
Orange leaves the room. The brash DARTH WHIPPING-BOY – a terrifying
alien with big hooks for hands – enters and strides towards the throne.
DARTH
SIDIOUS
Who are you?
DARTH
WHIPPING-BOY
I am
Darth Whipping-Boy, scourge of the Jedi! I kill and maim!
DARTH
SIDIOUS
Ah, this
is more like it.
DARTH
WHIPPING-BOY
Yes,
I kill and maim and run around naked in fields of daisies while rubbing
hot oil into my hairy....
DARTH
SIDIOUS
Next!