TOMB RAIDER:
THE SCREENPLAY
 Angelina
Jolie was this week named as the actress who’ll bring
digitial cyberwench Lara Croft to life in the Tomb
Raider movie. Based on the multi-million-selling Eidos
video game series, Tomb Raider: The Movie has struggled
to make it to the screen. Eidos has been determined to
get the movie as close in tone to the game as possible,
and only now do they have a script – courtesy of
Stephen de Souza – that they feel confident enough
about to proceed with. Here, for the first time
anywhere, Bubblegun can present an exclusive extract of
the screenplay.
INT.
CURIOUSLY ANGULAR UNDERGROUND CAVE
A
young woman with an overly-endowed chest, wearing absurdly
tight hotpants, slides into view down a perfect 45-degree
solid granite slope. This is LARA CROFT. At the bottom of
the slope is a small medical kit. Lara shuffles astride it
and bends down to pick it up.
LARA
CROFT: Hmm.
A
leopard bounds out of the darkness. Lara produces two
pistols, and performs a backflip. Disastrously, she lands
on the slope, and slides down into the path of the
leopard.
The
leopard runs into Lara's legs, causing them to expel jets
of crimson blood. Lara tries to back up, but gets
confused, and is trapped in a corner. She performs a
forward somersault, turns and shoots the leopard dead.
LARA
CROFT: Unh!
She
approaches a large gate in the wall of the cave. She
stands before an oversized keyhole, momentarily unsure
what to do.
LARA
CROFT: No.
Lara
runs towards a deep chasm. As she approaches the edge, she
jumps and stretches her arms out in an effort to reach the
opposite side. She misses, and falls.
LARA
CROFT: Eeeeeeeeeeeee!
She
lands in a crumpled heap among bleached skulls. Seconds
later, she's back again at the top of the cliff. Her
second attempt to cross the chasm succeeds. She steps
through an arch, and the screen fades to black.
INT.
ANCIENT TEMPLE
Fade
in. Lara appears before an ancient underground temple.
Suddenly, she is attacked by an eagle.
LARA
CROFT: Unh!
She
produces a shotgun and kills the bird. She runs behind a
pillar and discovers several shotgun bullets on the
ground. She retrieves them.
LARA
CROFT: Hmm.
Lara
enters the temple. The entrance to the temple is blocked
by a huge concrete cube. Lara pushes it forward.
LARA
CROFT: Unh! Uh-unh!
The
shifted block reveals a previously hidden passageway,
leading to a room containing curiously-marked floor
panels. Lara steps on one of the panels, and it collapses,
sending her plummeting into a set of underfloor spikes.
LARA
CROFT: Eeeeeeeeeeeee!
Fade
in. Lara reappears before the mysterious room. Having
worked out the correct sequence in the room, she crosses
stepping only on safe panels.
As
she reaches the other side, the exit slams shut, and a
golden statue of some guy with a spear comes to life. Lara
somersaults around the room, occasionally colliding with
objects, and finding herself facing walls, while
simultaneously trying to shoot the golden idol.
LARA
CROFT: Unh!
After
several futile attempts to kill the golden idol, Lara
starts running around the room looking for some sort of
switch, or something.
Unable
to do so, she freezes motionless, while the letters "Q.U.I.T"
appear, and hang mysteriously in mid-air for several
seconds before being replaced by a Windows 95 desktop.
Fade to black.
Cue
end credits.
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