SOMEONE Vs SOMEONE

Jason Vs Freddie, Aliens Vs Predator, Batman Vs Superman... all are genuine titles of films pitched to and by movie studio executives as dream team progressions of existing - albeit dormant - franchises. Of course, with the legal redtape involved in bringing two profitable intellectual properties together, the chances of them ever getting made are slim - no matter how much the public may clamour for them. Or maybe they’re just pitching the wrong films. Bubblegun has its own ideas of how to refresh stale movie properties, and which characters should be battling whom. Observe our suggestions below.

NORMAN BATES Vs THE TERMINATOR

When SkyNet traces records that reveal Sarah Connor and her future resistance-leading son John spent some time at the infamous Bates motel while on the run from the law, it sends back in time a shape-changing Terminator T1000 to kill them. Unfortunately, Sarah herself already has her hands full avoiding the amorous intentions of the shower-peeping, mother-obsessed, perverted manager of the motel, Norman Bates. When the T1000 arrives and is badly damaged by a collision with a truck, it impersonates Norman’s long-dead mother in order to strike at Connor and her son. Norman, acting upon the orders of his shape-changing, but crippled, “mother”, tries to kill Connor in the shower. When he remembers that HE is his mother, he joins forces with Connor and her son to take down the Terminators once and for all.

THE EXORCIST Vs CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOST

Father Karras wasn’t killed by the demon-possessed Regan McNeil after all, but following the exertions of the epic exorcism has retired to his sprawling family estate on the coast. Unfortunately, Karras hadn’t anticipated that his new home would be haunted, and is forced to come out of retirement to rid himself of Casper, and his mischievous uncles, Stinky, Fatso and Stretch. Karras uses Bibles, holy water and prayer in a bid to expel the grotesque and flatulent spirits. He almost succeeds in sending young Casper to Hell, but at the last minute realises the error of his ways: ghosts are people too. Casper teaches Karras how to get in touch with his humanity again, and along with Stinky, Fatso and Stretch they form a supernatural skiffle band, and travel the country having hilarious adventures.

GREMLINS Vs PRIVATE RYAN

Having begged his mother to be allowed to return to active service, Private Ryan is sent on a mission behind enemy lines. While pinned down by Nazi fire in a bombed-out Chinese restaurant, he encounters a dying old man who begs him to look after his pet: an adorably furry bundle of love called Gizmo. Unfortunately, the man died before he was able to warn Ryan not to feed the Mogwai after midnight, and soon, following an encounter with some crispy pancakes and a bucket of water, it isn’t only Nazi’s that Ryan has to worry about! The cackling Gremlins, lead by a jackbooted, goose-stepping ball of spite called “Hermann”, hook up with the Nazis, and the climax of the movie is a visceral, moving, slow-motion shoot-out between Gremlins, Nazis, and American troops. The final shot is of a wounded Gizmo breathing his last atop a bullet-riddled American flag, which Ryan wraps him in before burying him alongside his Chinese master.

GODZILLA Vs KRAMER Vs KRAMER

A dispute over who laid a giant egg leads to a bitter court battle between feuding parents and a 300 feet tall lizard.