REAL-LIFE DISASTERS WHICH COULD SERVE AS BACKDROPS FOR JAMES CAMERON’S TITANIC II

10. Titanic II: Estonia
9. Titanic II: Zeebrugge
8. Titanic II: Aberfan
7. Titanic II: Lockerbie
6. Titanic II: Sunday Bloody Sunday
5. Titanic II:  Hindenberg
4. Titanic II: Chernobyl
3. Titanic II: Liverpool V Juventus
2. Titanic II: The Challenger Mission
1. Titanic II: The Harrow & Wealdstone Railway Crash Of 1952

THINGS YOU CAN'T IMAGINE TOM HANKS DOING

10. Wiping his bottom.
9. Picking his nose and eating it.
8. Going back into the toilet to see if it still smells.
7. Buying a pornographic magazine.
6. Having a farting competition.
5. Pretending to be a spastic for a joke.
4. Sniffing the back of his fingers after scratching his balls.
3. Treading in dog mess.
2. Shaving his genitals.
1. Stripping off, pulling his arse cheeks apart, and pushing them up against the window of a Christian bookshop.

THINGS ON DARTH VADER'S SHOPPING LIST

10. The Emperor's prescription anti-bacterial toothpaste.
9. Two AA batteries.
8. My asthma prescription.
7. Polish.
6. The Emperor's pile cream.
5. Selection of toys and jigsaws just in case Luke agrees to stay.
4. Selection of donuts and fizzy drinks just in case Luke agrees to stay.
3. Copy of Auto Trader for The Emperor.
2. "Something for the weekend" in case I get lucky.
1. Selection of jazz mags in case I don't.

LINES CUT FROM THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

10. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck piss shit shit fucking hell! Oh my fucking Christ!”
9. “Jesus fucking fuckston fuck it.”
8. “Oh fucking fucking fuck shit shit shit what was that? Oh shit fuck bollocks!”
7. “Shitty shit shits?”
6. “Fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck fucking fucking hell, man!”
5. “Fuckle fucka-fuck?
4. “Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. Fuck!”
3. “Fuck fuck-a-fuck!”
2.“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!”
1. “I’d have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.”

THINGS NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS PROBABLY REALLY THINKING AS HE STEPPED ONTO THE MOON

10. “Bugger me.”
9. “Space monsters. Remember, Neil: there are NO space monsters...”
8. “This suit is great. I can piss in it and shit in it, and I don’t even have to unzip it.”
7. “What’s the big deal? It’s not like it’s Krypton, or anything.”
6. “Ha ha ha! Nyah nyah! Neil beat Buzz! Neil beat Buzz!”
5. “Whoopee fucking doo. All this way and there are no space chicks. Captain Kirk always met space chicks.”
4. “Did I cancel the papers?”
3. “I’m the King Of The Moon! That stinking Terran scum can go screw themselves. I ain’t never going back.”
2. “I hope I don’t die.”
1. “Hmm... I got another week in that cramped capsule with Buzz and Mike. How am I gonna masturbate without them knowing?”  

DISCARDED SUGGESTIONS FOR THE LOOK OF RONALD McDONALD BEFORE THEY SETTLED ON A CLOWN

10. Sumo wrestler
9. Vampire
8. Arc welder
7. Big crow
6. Zombie
5. Robot monk
4. Slaughterhouse manager
3. Record producer
2. Pimp
1. Giant arse stuck on the end of a hockey stick

LITTLE HEARD TEACHINGS OF YODA AS A YOUNG MAN

10. “Drink or drink not - there is no fannying about over whether you ought to stick to halves.”
9. “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to me pushing you down the stairs, mother.”
8. “He’s bald! He’s bent! His arse is up for rent! Darth Vad-er! Darth
Va-der!”
7. “You’re going home in a Dagobah am-bu-lance!”
6. “Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size do you? Well you
should, because my cock is massive.”
5. “Adventure? Excitement? A Jedi craves not these things. I want vodka!”
4. “When 900 years old you reach, you’ll be dead, weakling, whereas I’ll
still be scoring with de lay-deeeez.”
3. “Much anger I sense in you. And a penchant for frilly underwear.”
2. “Luminous beings are we. Perhaps we shouldn’t have taken so much acid,
dude.”
1. “Control. You must learn control. That’s all you ever say to me, woman.”

MORE HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS SEQUELS

10. Honey, You Shrunk The Kids
9. Honey, I’m Infected
8. Honey, I Forgot Our Anniversary
7. Honey, I Concussed My Uncle
6. Honey, I Sold The Kids
5. Honey, There Are Armed Police Surrounding The House
4. Honey, I Pissed In The Bath
3. Honey, Do You Think I’m Putting On Weight?
2. Honey, I Taped EastEnders For You

1. Honey, Our Son Is Gay

MODERN FAIRY TALES

 10. Snow White And The Seven Crack Dealers
9. Hansel And His Abusive Stepfather
8. Peter And The Pimp
7. Ginderella
6. Babes In Da Hood
5. Sleeping Beauty (she’s sleeping because she was brutally gang raped and then murdered)
4. Goldilocks And The Three Porn Film Producers
3. The Emperor’s New Gender
2. Jack And You’ll Get Paid
1. Dick Whittington
 

 NEVER-FAIL PICK UP LINES FOR MEN

 10. “Would you like to come to church with me one Sunday?”
9. “You look just like my grandmother.”
8. “I smell great.”
7. “What’s your favourite brand of gin?”
6. “I’m not as hairy as I look.”
5. “Hey, bitch. Me wanna some pussy, you dig?”
4. “You look like a submarine... a yellow submarine!”
3. “I’m quite tall.”
2. “Hello, baby. Want to go back to your place and have cyber-sex with me?”
1. “I’ve got a gun.”

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