johnnies are great. You can fill them with water, and
throw them at people. You can blow them up, and let them
off in restaurants. Or you can look cool by substituting
them as a new, longer-lasting, nonoxynol-9-flavoured
bubblegum. Incredibly, rubber johnnies – also known as
“condoms” – can also be used as a contraceptive.
That is to say, for the benefit of any sexually
inexperienced minors reading – the chap slaps one over
the end of his old man to stop him having babies. You know
what we mean by ‘his old man’? His todger. Winky.
Willy. John-thomas. His magic purple-headed mushroom,
batter pump, or spitting trouser snake. What we’re
trying to say is that you stick a “condom” over the
end of your thing, and it stops stuff going up the
lady’s whatsit. Gottit, kids?
title bluntly suggests, the History Of Contraception site
is a retrospective look at the development of the
motorbike (contraception). From condoms, to things ladies
stuff up their chuffs, to chemical contraceptives, and
more esoteric methods long since fallen out of fashion,
the History Of Contraception has them all. Some of these,
such as dried cow dung and honey placed into the vagina
(or “chuff”), dried fish, lemon-soaked cotton rags, or
glass diaphragms were as likely to cause infection or
injury as they were to prevent a baby from spontaneously
The history of
the condom is as good a place as any to begin your Odyssey
Of Spunk-Stop. Early sheaths were made from snake or sheep
skin. Surely the unsavoury prospect of sticking you doo-da
up the guts of some dead animal is contraceptive enough.
Then again, now that we think about it…