10
THINGS YOU GENUINELY NEVER KNEW ABOUT......
THE QUEEN MOTHER
The
Nation’s Favourite Grandmother™,
The Queen Mother, is 100 years young! Bubblegun wishes to
join in the spirit of national rejoicing and thanksgiving
for 100 years of this wonderful, very special old woman.
Here are 10 Things You Genuinely Didn’t Know About
Her…
- Unlike
common humans, the Queen Mother – who went without a
name for 45 years, until her own daughter was crowned
Queen in 1952 – was born in 1900 in a manner
befitting royalty. Whereas most babies are pushed
horribly out of ladies’ fannies – or “vadgies”
– the Queen Mother was grown in a special garden at
the rear of Buckingham Palace. She was harvested from
a crop of a dozen “Royal Baby Plants”, the
remainder of which were stomped to death by the Royal
Baby Gardener Regent, Mr Gerard Cuffs, or eaten by
corgis. However, the Queen Mother’s actual birth
date is not recorded, and royal watchers have
speculated that she could be a lot older than 100, and
may even have been born as early as 1743!
- As
a child, the Queen Mother and her father, the Queen
Mother’s Father, would enjoy blissful weekends spent
hunting commoners. The pair would ride into towns on
golden steeds, armed with shotguns and hammers. Upon
arriving in the centre of a town, a klaxon would be
sounded, and any member of the working classes would
be required to flee. The Queen Mother and her father
would then give chase on their mounts, first wounding
the commoner with the guns, and then moving in for the
kill with their hammers. It is believed that the Queen
Mother was first “bloodied” by the warm gore of a
road sweeper from Chester.
- As
a young woman, the Queen Mother was generally
considered to be the most beautiful woman in all
Britain. Whenever a potentially more beautiful woman
was reported, royal courtiers would act upon the
information, and disfigure her with a sock soaked in
powerful face acid.
- Along
with the rest of the Royal Family, the Queen Mother
single-handedly defeated the Nazis during World War
II, by going around shaking hands with dirty people,
and boosting moral by flashing her wonderful breasts
at servicemen. She heroically delivered the final blow
to Germany’s war machine, when she was dropped over
Berlin, and stormed Hitler’s bunker armed with only
a sterling silver carving knife, and some itching
powder.
- Unlike
other humans, the Queen Mother does not need to expel
liquid or solid waste, due to her royal physiology.
Also, her children were conceived via a secret process
which is unique to royals. This process – dubbed
“The Spawning” – is believed to be similar to
photosynthesis, albeit in reverse.
- Unlike
the Queen, the Queen Mother has all her own teeth. She
puts this down to a daily diet of griffin kidneys,
sperm whale protein, orc tongue, and panda guts. The
concoction is mixed up by royal chefs in a large
cauldron, and filtered down into a crystal tumbler,
which the Queen Mother sips from thrice daily, except
for Boxing Day, which she spends drunk.
- The
Queen Mother’s love of horse racing is well
documented. However, after backing the winner, she
likes to purchase the horse in question, in order to
spend several days watching her minions slowly batter
it to death with cricket bats. She then bathes in the
resultant offal. Lacking any discernable sexual
organs, royal insiders suggest this is the only way in
which the Queen Mother can achieve sexual
gratification.
- The
Queen Mother lives in Clarence House, the tallest
building in Britain. Her bedroom is atop the tallest
tower, and is 400 feet above sea level. The room is
specially hinged on ball-bearings, allowing it to
compensate for the Queen Mother’s erractic swaying
motion, after she has downed her nightly four bottles
of gin. Fixed to the roof of her bedroom is a gallows
dating back to the time of King Henry IV – known as
“The Hanging King”!
- The
Queen Mother is Commander-In-Chief of the SAS, and has
been known to join the crack commando squad on night
manoeuvres.
- When
she eventually dies, which has surely got to happen
soon, it will be the saddest day in British history
– sadder even than the tragic death of our Queen Of
Hearts, Diana, whom the Queen Mother secretly believes
was a hook-nosed voodoo practitioner.
Happy
birthday, ma’am!
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KNIFE & WIFE: THE
TELLY-GANZA - PART THREE
Get a load of
this, you silly fresh boys and girls: Channel 4’s
Knife & Wife animated Comedy Lab is complete
and was broadcast on
Thursday December 6th. Frankly, welsh
animation studio
Siriol has performed a startlingly brilliant
job given the intense budgetary and time
limitations. It’s safe to say they’ve done us
proud in bringing Popular Culture’s #1 Chicken
Character to the small screen.
But hey – that’s in the past. For now, Crivvens – it’s Part Three of
our Knife & Wife Telly-Ganza feature series thing!
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FROM
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SCOOBY
DOO
"Rooby
Rooby Roooooo!" Popular opinion has it that
Hanna-Barbera’s Scooby Doo went all crap upon the
introduction to the series of his pint-sized nephew
Scrappy. In reality, Scooby Doo was a steaming pile of
talking dog mess long before this. In fact, Scooby Doo
was never good. The adventures of the anthromorphosised
Scooby, dashing-bit-dull high-school jock Fred,
goggle-eyed fatso Velma, red-legged, red-headed
saucestress Daphne, and possibly drug-toking, unshaven,
hippy coward Shaggy were about as unpredictable as dusk
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