SIT-COMS BASED UPON THE LIFE OF FRED WEST
10. The Madman's Family
9. Are You Being Harmed?
8. Gouge And Mildred
7. Man Behaving Madly
6. Dad's Barmy
5. Absolutely Stab-u-lous
4. Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em
3. It Don't 'Alf Hurt Mum
2. Drop The Dead Daughter (In The Hole)
1. Only Fred And Corpses


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Previous Result
GUYS ONLY POLL
Which of these characteristics are most important in a partner?

Good sense of humour 20%
Non-smoker 8%
Blonde hair 7%
Pierced nipples 13%
Must be able to make a noise like a dolphin 50%

total votes

812

Previous Result
GIRLS ONLY POLL
Which of these characteristics are most important in a partner?

Owns his own house

4%

High income 13%
Prehensile tail 20%
Convicted murder 15%
Lives in a piano 45%

total votes

344

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10 THINGS YOU GENUINELY NEVER KNEW ABOUT......
THE QUEEN MOTHER

The Nation’s Favourite Grandmother, The Queen Mother, is 100 years young! Bubblegun wishes to join in the spirit of national rejoicing and thanksgiving for 100 years of this wonderful, very special old woman. Here are 10 Things You Genuinely Didn’t Know About Her…

  1. Unlike common humans, the Queen Mother – who went without a name for 45 years, until her own daughter was crowned Queen in 1952 – was born in 1900 in a manner befitting royalty. Whereas most babies are pushed horribly out of ladies’ fannies – or “vadgies” – the Queen Mother was grown in a special garden at the rear of Buckingham Palace. She was harvested from a crop of a dozen “Royal Baby Plants”, the remainder of which were stomped to death by the Royal Baby Gardener Regent, Mr Gerard Cuffs, or eaten by corgis. However, the Queen Mother’s actual birth date is not recorded, and royal watchers have speculated that she could be a lot older than 100, and may even have been born as early as 1743!
  2. As a child, the Queen Mother and her father, the Queen Mother’s Father, would enjoy blissful weekends spent hunting commoners. The pair would ride into towns on golden steeds, armed with shotguns and hammers. Upon arriving in the centre of a town, a klaxon would be sounded, and any member of the working classes would be required to flee. The Queen Mother and her father would then give chase on their mounts, first wounding the commoner with the guns, and then moving in for the kill with their hammers. It is believed that the Queen Mother was first “bloodied” by the warm gore of a road sweeper from Chester.
  3. As a young woman, the Queen Mother was generally considered to be the most beautiful woman in all Britain. Whenever a potentially more beautiful woman was reported, royal courtiers would act upon the information, and disfigure her with a sock soaked in powerful face acid.
  4. Along with the rest of the Royal Family, the Queen Mother single-handedly defeated the Nazis during World War II, by going around shaking hands with dirty people, and boosting moral by flashing her wonderful breasts at servicemen. She heroically delivered the final blow to Germany’s war machine, when she was dropped over Berlin, and stormed Hitler’s bunker armed with only a sterling silver carving knife, and some itching powder.
  5. Unlike other humans, the Queen Mother does not need to expel liquid or solid waste, due to her royal physiology. Also, her children were conceived via a secret process which is unique to royals. This process – dubbed “The Spawning” – is believed to be similar to photosynthesis, albeit in reverse.
  6. Unlike the Queen, the Queen Mother has all her own teeth. She puts this down to a daily diet of griffin kidneys, sperm whale protein, orc tongue, and panda guts. The concoction is mixed up by royal chefs in a large cauldron, and filtered down into a crystal tumbler, which the Queen Mother sips from thrice daily, except for Boxing Day, which she spends drunk.
  7. The Queen Mother’s love of horse racing is well documented. However, after backing the winner, she likes to purchase the horse in question, in order to spend several days watching her minions slowly batter it to death with cricket bats. She then bathes in the resultant offal. Lacking any discernable sexual organs, royal insiders suggest this is the only way in which the Queen Mother can achieve sexual gratification.
  8. The Queen Mother lives in Clarence House, the tallest building in Britain. Her bedroom is atop the tallest tower, and is 400 feet above sea level. The room is specially hinged on ball-bearings, allowing it to compensate for the Queen Mother’s erractic swaying motion, after she has downed her nightly four bottles of gin. Fixed to the roof of her bedroom is a gallows dating back to the time of King Henry IV – known as “The Hanging King”!
  9. The Queen Mother is Commander-In-Chief of the SAS, and has been known to join the crack commando squad on night manoeuvres.
  10. When she eventually dies, which has surely got to happen soon, it will be the saddest day in British history – sadder even than the tragic death of our Queen Of Hearts, Diana, whom the Queen Mother secretly believes was a hook-nosed voodoo practitioner.

 

Happy birthday, ma’am!

 

Also in Bubblegun...
LAST ISSUE
KNIFE & WIFE: THE TELLY-GANZA - PART THREE
Get a load of this, you silly fresh boys and girls: Channel 4’s Knife & Wife animated Comedy Lab is complete and was broadcast on Thursday December 6th. Frankly, welsh animation studio Siriol has performed a startlingly brilliant job given the intense budgetary and time limitations. It’s safe to say they’ve done us proud in bringing Popular Culture’s #1 Chicken Character to the small screen.

But hey – that’s in the past. For now, Crivvens – it’s Part Three of our Knife & Wife Telly-Ganza feature series thing!
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FROM THE ARCHIVE
SCOOBY DOO
"Rooby Rooby Roooooo!" Popular opinion has it that Hanna-Barbera’s Scooby Doo went all crap upon the introduction to the series of his pint-sized nephew Scrappy. In reality, Scooby Doo was a steaming pile of talking dog mess long before this. In fact, Scooby Doo was never good. The adventures of the anthromorphosised Scooby, dashing-bit-dull high-school jock Fred, goggle-eyed fatso Velma, red-legged, red-headed saucestress Daphne, and possibly drug-toking, unshaven, hippy coward Shaggy were about as unpredictable as dusk

 

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