HOW TO TELL A CHILD THAT THEIR PET DOG IS DEAD

10. "Woofy has had to go to Heaven because you didn't love him enough."
9. "DAD'S DEAD!!!! No, wait - it's just the dog that's dead. You see - it
isn't so bad!"
8. "The dog's dead. Here's five pounds."
7. "Promise me that if you cry at what I tell you next, that I can hit you in the mouth with a stick."
6. "The dog had to be put down because he was sexually abusing your mother."
5. "The dog's turned invisible."
4. "You see, Rover was like a sort of chicken kiev, and since daddy ran over him in the car and he burst. there's now more of him on the outside..."
3. "He's still the same dog, darling, only now we don't have to walk or feed him anymore, and he's going to live in the garden. In a hole. Which I shall fill in." 
2. "Big news! I just read that Boyzone say dogs aren't cool, so we had the dog put down and we've bought you this: a geography text book!"
1. "The dog unexpectedly pupated and turned into a big moth and flew away. How cool is that?"

FAMOUS LAST WORDS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE

10. "Iíll just blow down the barrel. That should clear any blockage." - Kurt Cobain
9. " Pardon?" - Vincent van Gogh
8. "The great thing is, if I die now people will remember all the great roles Iíve played, and not just Doctor Who and Wurzel Gummidge." - Jon Pertwee
7. "I donít know. What is six inches long, metal, and goes Ďbangí?"- John Lennon
6. "Are we out of toilet paper? Oh, man..." - Elvis Presley
5. "Itís a bit nippy tonight." - Scott of the Antarctic
4. "Kiss my hardy." - Admiral Nelson
3. "Stop laughing! This isnít funny!" - Tommy Cooper
2. "Everybody look at the camera and smile. You too, Henri... Just do it." - Princess Diana
1. "Stop it, Emu! Stop messing about - weíll fall!" - Rod Hull

GEORGE LUCASíS DISCARDED ALTERNATIVES BEFORE SETTLING ON "MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU"...

10. "May The Horse Be Groovy"
9. "May The Forks Be With You"
8. "May The George Be With You"
7. "Force Yourself To Love It"
6. "May The Love Be With You"
5. "Cowabunga!"
4. "Best wishes to everyone!"
3. "Wahey!"
2. "May The 4th Be With You"
1. "Live long and prosper"

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO THE POLICEMAN WHO HAS JUST STOPPED YOUR CAR

10. "You facists always pick on us drunks."
9. "Iíll sit on your face if you promise to let me go."
8. "Oh, God. Itís about the murder, isnít it?"
7. "Donít look in the boot!"
6. "Well of course I was swerving across the road - Iíve had ten pints."
5. "B-b-f-f-b-f-fuck. F-f-fuck it. Whaí wasch I schaying?"
4. "Thereís a gun under my seat and Iím not afraid to use it."
3. "Do you want to have a race?"
2. "Okay, Iíll blow into the tube, but only if you do an impression of a duck."
1. "Crush! Kill! Maim!"

NEW SUPER-HEROES

10. The Blister Pack
9. The Pink Salmon
8. Scampi-man
7. Vest Boy
6. Doctor Coldsores
5. Captain Pantyliner
4. The Pink Triangle
3. Horse-face Girl
2. The Invisible Oblong>
1. Doctor Hand-Me-Down

INAPPROPRIATE THINGS TO SHOUT OUT DURING A FUNERAL

10. "Hooray!"
9. "Yippee!"
8. "Brilliant!"
7. "Banzaiiii!"
6. "Are you sure heís dead? I think I just saw the coffin move."
5. "Nice day for it."
4. "Everybody look at me for a minute - Iím going to do a special dance."
3. "This is boring."
2. "Iím cool!"
1. "Iím glad Iím not dead!"

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT SAY IN A JOB INTERVIEW

10. "Iím going to count to ten, and when I open my eyes I want you all to be naked."
9. "I will kill again."
8. "The doctors say that within a year or three Iíll be able to control the voices without medication."
7. "Do you have a subsidised staff bar?"
6. "I canít even remember why Iím here."
5. "Dracula is cool."
4. "What is your policy on play-fighting?"
3. "Can I come to work in pyjamas?"
2. "Canít I just work from home?"
1. "Enough about me - letís talk about you for a while."

THINGS WOMEN SHOULD NOT SAY ON A FIRST DATE...

10. "Technically, I still love Simon Le Bon."
9. "Will you marry me?"
8. "Cats are more intelligent than men."
7. "I might as well tell you now - I suffer from terrible fanny farts."
6. "I used to be a man."
5. "I was drunk when I got here."
4. "Even the thought of oral sex turns my stomach."
3. "I mustíve slept with over four hundred men."
2. "I hate my hairy arse. Itís so unwomanly."
1. "Shall we get the money out of the way now?"

THINGS MEN SHOULD NOT SAY ON A FIRST DATE...

10) "So, anyway, now the police say Iím not even allowed to keep the guns..."
9) "You should see my bedroom - itís full of Star Trek posters!"
8) "You look just like my mother in law."
7) "Hang on... Ooh! Iíve got a pubic hair caught under my foreskin."
6) "When you do a poo, do you sometimes go back into the toilet a few minutes afterwards to see if it still smells?"
5) "Do you like Dungeons & Dragons?"
4) "I shave my testicles."
3) "Is it true that women wee out of their bottoms?"
2) "I can name forty types of cheese."
1) "You should see my bedroom - itís full of geese!"

TEN THINGS PROBABLY NOT TO SAY DURING A WEDDING SPEECH IF YOUíRE THE BEST MAN

10. ďI am the new flesh!Ē
9. ďIíll kill you all!Ē
8. "I'm not who you think I am...Ē
7. ďPiss fuck bollocks wank shit fuck fuck fuck fuck
f-f-f-f-fa-fa-fuck-fuck.Ē
6. ďThe groom probably doesnít remember that time when we were 13 and we tossed each other off in his bathroom, but I certainly do...Ē
5. ďMy eyes... they burn!Ē
4. ďI havenít written a speech.Ē
3. ďI wish the bride and groom were both dead.Ē
2. ďHere are three words youíre all familiar with: ugly fat bitch.Ē
1. ďThe bride probably doesnít remember that time when we were 19 and we tossed each other off in her living room, but I certainly do...Ē

 

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