TEN CELEBRITIES, AND THE JOBS THEY HAD BEFORE THEY WERE FAMOUS

10.  Jamie Theakston (pimp)
9.  Sting (evil scientist)
8. George Michael (pimp)
7. Barbara Windsor (wrestler)
6. Robin Williams (astronaut)
5. Jim Carrey (bounty hunter)
4. Liam Gallagher (masseuse)
3. Harrison Ford (pimp)
2. John Wayne (supervillain)
1. Noel Edmonds (coppersí nark)

PEOPLE WHO LOOK A BIT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE

10. Jack Dee (that bloke out of Due South)
9. Neil Kinnock (Mr Burns out of The Simpsons)
8. Richard Gere (Mulder out of The X-Files)
7. Timothy Dalton (Captain Picard out of Star Trek if he had hair)
6. Billy Joel (Sylvester Stallone)
5. John Peel (Merlin)
4. Ainsley Harriot (Lenny Henry)
3. Jay Leno (Griff Rhys Jones)
2. A young Alec Guiness (a living Peter Sellers)
1. Ian Beale out of EastEnders (a horrible zombie)

Famous Last Words

10. "I bet you fifty quid I can shoot myself in the face and survive."
9. "That holeís not so deep."
8. "Hahaha! Driving down the wrong side of the motorway while drunk is great."
7. "Donít be stupid. Thereís no such thing as lions."
6. "Ooh, look - the snake wants a kiss!"
5. "This electric fire should make my bath water warmer..."
4. "Heh heh. Theyíll never find me if I hide in this air-tight box."
3. "Auto-erotic asphyxiation is great!"
2. "Shut-up. I AM Superman. Just watch."
1. "Wheeeeeeeeeeee!"

REAL NAMES OF FAMOUS PEOPLE

10. Micky Winkle (Mick Jagger)
9. Frazier Handshorts (Prince)
8. Teddy F. Faddybollox (Kevin Costner)
7. Desmond Ring (Mr T)
6. Leonard Germston-crap (Leonardo di Caprio)
5. Olive Bent (Uma Thurman)
4. Darius Farius (Robin Williams)
3. Columbia Maddadonadon (Sting)
2. Estus Fadprik (Bono)
1. Miguel Dong (Elton John)

POOR IDEAS FOR GENUTAINMENT TV SHOWS

10. Police, Camera, Christopher Biggins!
9. When Shopkeepers Fall Over!
8. Police, Camera, Littering!
7. When Animals Get Bored!
6. Police, Camera, Another Camera!
5. When Fat People Get Stuck In Lifts!
4. Police, Camera, Sack Race!
3. When Vicars Choke!
2. Police, Camera, Pub Crawl!
1. When Fridges Defrost!

TOP TEN CARRY ON FILMS THAT NEVER WERE

10. Carry On Human Beatbox
9. Carry On Burma Railway
8. Carry On Chairman Mao
7. Carry On League Of Nations
6. Carry On Chainsaw Massacre
5. Carry On Polio
4. Carry On Kill All Ducks
3. Carry On Follow That Muslim!
2. Carry On Mummified Cats
1. Carry On Follow That Muslim...Again!

REALLY BAD CHOICES TO PLAY DOCTOR WHO

10. Nigel from EastEnders
9. Noddy Holder
8. Jeremy Clarkson
7. The Late Rod Hull & Emu
6. Bob Carolgees
5. Ringo Starr
4. Wolf out of Gladiators
3. David Essex
2. Lovejoy
1. Jarvis Cocker

POTENTIAL SEQUELS TO HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS

10. Honey, I Burnt The Casserole
9. Honey, I Violated Your Mother
8. Honey, I Spat In Your Tea
7. Honey, I Swear I Mean It This Time
6. Honey, I Killed Some Kids
5. Honey, I Upended A Trash Can
4. Honey, I Kicked The Dog Up The Ass
3. Honey, I Spilt My Sunny Delight All Over The Seat
2. Honey, I Kicked The Dog Up The Ass... And Now Heís Bleeding From The Ass
1. Honey, Iím Gay

LINES CUT FROM STAR WARS: EPISODE ONE

10. "I bet this never happened to Flash Gordon."
9. "Hey - look at what I can do with my lightsabre. Watch closely... ready? Watch now... ow! Shit! Bloody hell. Pfff!"
8. "Dum-te-ta-dum-dum-dum-da - Iím Obi-Wan Kenobi!"
7. "Jar Jar just wet the bed."
6. "Ha ha. Very funny, Artoo. Now tell me where you hid my trousers."
5. "Iím not crying. That idiot got sand in my eyes when he pretended to be a dog."
4. "Now thereís peanut butter all over the controls..."
3. "Have you finished with the felt tip pens?"
2. "Donít move - thereís a krayt dragon riiight behind you... oh, wait. Itís just a rock."
1. "Letís see your all-powerful Force hold back the full fury of my chronic flatulence."

 

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