10. When Avocados Get Microwaved
Attendants From Hell
World’s Gayest Drivers
Piercings Go Bad
World’s Dullest Vicars
Secret Life Of Electrical Appliances Salesmen
Dogs Get Injected
World’s Most Profound Receptionists
Secret Life Of Local Council Finance Committee Chairmen
World’s Grainiest Videos
FOR CHILDREN’S ENTERTAINERS TO RUIN A CHILD’S PARTY
10. Ask the birthday boy or girl to pick a card, and then make it look
as if he or she made you drop them, and call him or her a “Silly
your act, burst a blood capsule in your mouth, and pretend your lungs
8. Pull a
live dove from under your cape, and smack it hard against the wall.
7. Try to
look up the child’s mother’s dress to see “If there’s any
magic up there”…
6. Ask if you can use the toilet, and arrange to get caught injecting
heroin into your groin.
5. Try to
lead the guests in a singalong of “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, and
mime shooting your head off during it.
them with your impressions of famous Nazi officers, such as Himmler
3. Ask the
birthday boy or girl to pick a card, and then fire the entire pack in
his or her face, and while they’re confused pull their trousers down
and encourage the other kids to laugh at them.
balloon animals for the children, and have them simulate sex with the
words: “Look – they’re bumming each other up!”
your trousers down and sit on the jelly.
THINGS TO DO
IN A DIY SUPERSTORE
Ask a sales assistant to demonstrate a burglar alarm for you, and
insist that he plays the part of a burglar while you attempt to blow
his knees away with an imaginary shotgun.
When an assistant is approaching, suddenly recoil away from one of the
display drills screaming and holding your eye.
a sales assistant to demonstrate the letterboxes for you.
away from the houselights section rubbing your eyes, claiming to have
been blinded, and shouting to people: “Don’t go that way…
don’t go in there!”
Ask a sales assistant to demonstrate a hammer for you, and then ask
whether he has one in a different colour.
Complain to the manager that one of the garden gnomes swore at you.
a really, really, really big bit of wood to the wood cutting section,
and ask them to cut you a one inch square.
Ask a sales assistant to mix you some paint that’s: “A little bit
umber, a little bit puce, with a touch of frostbite – essentially
the hue of a putrid crow.”
then refuse to be more specific, and accuse him of trying to cheat.
in the aisles with the front doors, holding a piece of paper, and
scratching your head saying: “I’m sure this is the right
THINGS TO DO
DURING A DRIVING TEST
10. Light a roman candle and wave it at
the examiner’s lap, laughing, and then drop it at his feet.
9. Throw stink bombs at passers-by.
8. Turn the radio on really loud.
7. Insist the brakes have failed, and start hitting your horn, and
leaning out of the window shouting “No brakes! NO BRAKES!”
6. Swig repeatedly from a bottle of
5. Keep asking him: “How much longer
till we get there?”
4. Suddenly release your seatbelt while
travelling at 40mph, open the door, and let yourself roll out into the
3. Breath on the window, draw a funny face in the condensation, and
tell the examiner it’s a picture of him.
2. Tell him you’ve got “balls like
As you’re approaching the car for the first time, pretend there’s
an invisible force field around it, preventing you from entering.
MOST SATISFYING DEATHS FOR JAR JAR BINKS
10. Repeatedly run over by R2-D2 until he's a browny-red stain on the desert sand.
9. Mistakes an inactive lightsabre for a suppository.
8. Legs removed by Pepe Le Space Chef, and fed to Jabba The Hutt.
7. Gets his stupid throat kicked in by a laughing Obi-Wan Kenobi.
6. Becomes first ever victim of that patent Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker remote strangulation thing. And then has his body mutilated by space cows.
5. "Bounces" too close to a "supernova."
4. Botched attempts to mimic Wookiee language inadvertently result in calling the wife of Wookiee tribe leader "A fat
3. Chokes on Jabba The Hutt's vomit.
2. Hilarious capering mistaken for violent gestures by short-tempered midget.
1. Sticks that big ol' tongue where he shouldn't.
FUNNY THINGS TO
DO WHILE BUYING NEW SHOES
10. Take off your old
shoes and throw them really hard at the racks of new shoes.
9. Ask an assistant
to help you try on a new shoe, and as they're fitting it suddenly freeze
and slowly topple sideways off the seat making a low squeaking sound.
Afterwards, ask her if she knows why that happened.
8. Smuggle in a number of old and tatty shoes and place them on the
shelves among the new shoes.
7. Tie several pairs
of shoes to a long trench coat using different lengths of ribbon. Then
wander around the shoe shop shouting "Special deals today at
this shoe shop! Just ask for details! Special deals today!" and see
how long it is before they throw you out.
6. As you go to pay for the shoes, and the assistant is about to take the
money, suddenly shout "SHOES!" at her as loud as you possibly
5. And then act as if
4. Release a peacock into the shop and run away.
3. Act really suspicious, and when you're certain you have their
attention, start spooning lime jelly into a corner of the shop. When they
try to throw you out ask if they want to have a foodfight.
2. Hide a load of
offal up your trousers, and gradually release it as you walk up and down
testing out a pair of shoes.
1. Keep stroking the assistant's wrist as they help fit the shoes, and
when you've paid for your shoes, unfold a crude collage of Page 3 women
from your pocket, and leave it on the counter with a hiss.
WAYS TO END ANY ARGUMENT
9. Suddenly lunge
at the other person, making big snapping motions with your arms, like
a shark’s mouth
8. Start spinning around in a corner very fast shouting “Out. Of.
Con. Trol” in a Dalek-like voice.
7. Baffle them with irrelevant pronouncements like “Yeah, but
that’s like comparing Egyptians to paper bags” and “Yeah, but
you might as well look for lost socks on the moon…”
6. Every time
they go to speak start mouthing the theme tune to Starsky And Hutch,
getting louder whenever they tell you to stop.
5. Start crying and say you’re really sorry, but it’s the
anniversary of your granddad’s death, and that the other person
suddenly reminded you of him.
4. And then add
that your granddad used to sexually abuse you.
3. Really, really
angrily start agreeing with them.
2. Pull out a gun
and shoot yourself in the leg.
announce that you’re gay.
WAYS TO SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT
10. Freeze-dry all whales to prevent further losses.
9. Replace poles with non-melt replica polystyrene snow.
8. Replace endangered species such as tigers, pandas etc. with
replicas, with integral "double fun" features such as funny
and Silly String dispensers.
7. Relocate rain forests to the moon, thereby putting them out of
reach of greedy
"shoot-on-sight" enforcement of existing environmental laws.
5. Buy two of everything, thereby doubling the amount of waste that
can be recycled.
4. Remove high-polluting nuclear
reactors, and replace with high-efficiency generators
powered by burning human corpses and/or Romanian immigrants running round on treadmills.
3. Immediate cull of resource-devouring obese children. And ugly
2. Invent more stuff that's good for the environment.
1. Genetically engineer a super-intelligent monkey and ask him what he
The Razor-Spitting Robot™
Lil’ Bastard Cop™ Home Electrocution Kit
Novelty poisoned walnuts
Bastard Cop™ Face Smasher
4. Ken Dragon:
The Legendary Burning Doll™
Brand™ Super Comedy Toothpaste
2. Lil’ Bastard Cop™ Razor Wire Factory
Mr Shoot-Up™ Junior Heroin
EXCUSES FOR WHEN
MUMMY AND DADDY DISCOVER YOUR STASH OF PORNO MAGS
10. “A burglar must have put them there.”
9. “What would I want
those for anyway? Everyone knows I’m gay.”
8. “Part of my art
coursework is to do a nude study. I mean, I can hardly ask the pair of
you to strip off for me.”
7. “If you don’t let
me keep them I’ll have to start using prostitutes again.”
6. “Grandad asked me to
look after them for him.”
5. “They’re just naked ladies, for god’s sake.”
4. “If you don’t let me keep them I’ll have to start killing
3. “Oh, and I suppose
you’ve never masturbated.”
2. “I was thinking of becoming a gynaecologist and have been using
them to practice my craft. That’s why I’ve cut holes in the pages.
And those stains are from a leading medical lubricant I’ve been
1. “Well I bet Phil Collins reads them.”