FUNNY THINGS TO DO IN POSH RESTAURANTS
10. Release a balloon so that it "razzes" around the room.
9. Ask for a bottle of white wine, and then send it back because it's "too yellow".
8. When you get your second bottle, say "It's still too yellow - can't you put some more milk in it?"
7. If the waiter is foreign, and speaks little English, tell him there's a
"quim" in your soup.
6. When sampling the wine, ensure you have a mouthful of small feathers. Spit these out into the glass after taking your first sip, and demand to see the manager.
5. Ask the waiter if the wine contains nuts, and make him go and check with "the manufacturer".
4. Unsuccessfully order a succession of meat dishes - pork, chicken, beef - and enquire after each one whether it's suitable for vegetarians.
3. Repeatedly mispronounce "hors d'oeuvres" as "whore doves", and when you're shown the menu, enquire "And I can fuck any one of these, yes?"
2. Say to a waiter that there's something wrong with your "wine", and then make a "whining" noise that goes up and down, and then say: "You see, it keeps undulating like that, and I can't keep it at a steady pitch". He'll probably find it really funny.
1. Shout "I love it!" really, really, really, REALLY loudly every seven minutes.
ALL-NEW TEN COMMANDMENTS™!
10. "Thou shalt not take thy trousers down, and sitteth thou naked arse on The Bible, and then wriggle about."
9. "Thou shalt not sayeth stuff like; 'Jesus has poofy hair', and that."
8. "Thou shalt not change the words of The Lord's Prayer to sayeth 'Give us this day our daily porno'."
7. "Thou shalt clap along to Christian pop songs at church events, and not sitteth there looking bored and blowing air through your lips and rolling thou eyes."
6. "Thou shalt take every opportunity to laugh at jokes told by vicars."
5. "Thou shalt not tediously sayeth: 'Oh look - it's Jesus' every time you see someone with a beard, and hair longer than collar length.'
4. "Thou shalt not put buttons and foreign coins in the church collection box."
3. "Thou shalt attempt to encourage non-believers to attend church by pretending it's a really cool and groovy place."
2. "Thou shalt not change the channel to Hart To Hart or Bullseye whenever thou heareth the Songs Of Praise theme music."
1. "Thou shalt not ask vicars difficult questions about world hunger, war, and stuff, without expecting some cop-out answer about The Devil, and God moving in mysterious ways."
MORE WAYS TO RUIN A CYBERSEX SESSION
10. "Darn. Dad just walked in. Got school tomorrow. Bye."
9. "MiCROsoFt sUXxxXX!!!!!!!!!!!"
8. "Hang on. I just spilled ketchup all over the keyboard."
7. "WAIT. Caugght…. my cOckskiin… iN… moUse buTTon."
6. "Would you like to see a picture of me shitting on an onion?"
5. "Mmm, yeah. That's good. And then I put my tits in your mouth, and do a really big fanny fart on your leg."
4. "Well, I'm about four foot three, medium build, 48 years old, I've got long blond hair, and teeth."
3. "Would you like to meet up? Only, if I don't have consensual sex with someone soon I'm going to have to rape my dog."
2. "Hey I just thought - this is like that film, JFK. Only with sex and computers, and none of that president shit."
1. "Man, I bet this never happened to Doctor Who!"
10. Pretending you’ve just eaten a chrysalis, that you found
on a branch outside.
9. Really big, brown underpants with a transfer of Christopher
Walker on the front.
8. Making a noise like a baby crocodile, while walking round
the bedroom in the style of a hen.
7. Rolling out of bed going “wheeeee!”
6. Wearing nothing but grey socks, chewing on a thick slice of
white bread, with loads of Marmite on it.
5. Asking your partner to lick tomato ketchup off of your
4. Belching the theme music to The A Team, while masturbating
3. Actually eating a chrysalis that you found outside on a
2. With a big grin, producing a torch, a dentist’s mirror,
and a vat of Vaseline from a bedside cabinet.
1. Trying to pierce your nipple with an ice cube, a bottle of
TCP, a knitting needle, and a staple gun. And then missing the
nipple, and just stabbing yourself in the stomach.
WAYS TO ENLIVEN A DULL DINNER PARTY
10. Offer to do the washing up, and then do a big poo in the
9. Start choking during the meal, and then pull a soiled
condom out of your throat.
8. Turn up with a dwarf, and refuse to explain, or to
introduce him to your fellow diners. When they ask, just say:
“You don’t mind, do you?”
7. Start telling a really, really, really long anecdote,
building to what promises to be a stunning climax, and
punctuate it with uncontrollable laughter. Just as you’re
about to get to the good bit, trail off into incoherent
mumbling, then turn to a fellow guest and ask them: “Do we
have any pudding?”
6. Keep slapping and pushing the meat dish, and insist it’s
5. Continually shout “The blood of Christ!”
4. After you’ve eaten, ask the host: “Do you mind if I
undo my trousers, only I’m stuffed?“ And then undo your
trousers, and pull them down to your knees.
3. Somehow steer every conversation round onto The Rolling
Stones, and specifically the marriage of Mick Jagger and Jerry
2. Turn up covered in blood, and claim you were mugged as you
stepped out of your car.
1. Turn up late, and apologise because “My wank took a
little longer than I’d expected.”
of being unable to separate the carrier bags in Waitrose while
a long queue of increasingly irritated shoppers wait for you
to pack your shopping.
of attending a dinner party where all the guests are more
interesting than you are.
Fear of getting aroused on the beach.
of saying something that may appear to make you sound a bit
of accidentally saying something grossly offensive during a
of accidentally swearing in front of a vicar.
of not liking a type of trendy new exotic coffee that everyone
else is drinking.
of mistaking someone else’s ringing mobile phone for your
of your friend being chatted up in a pub, and not you.
of someone discovering that you like Star Trek.
FUNNY THINGS TO DO TO YOUNG KIDS
Get up early on Christmas morning, dress up as Father
Christmas, and lie on the middle of their bedroom floor in a
pool of fake blood.
the plastic thing from the middle of a Kinder Egg, and put it
in your mouth and spit it out at them really hard.
them that Hitler lives in their bedroom light, and that if
they turn the light on, he’ll come out and get them.
then turn the light on.
them a home video of their parents screaming, and tell the
child that “Mummy and Daddy are trapped in the television
them a pomegranate to eat, and halfway through the eating,
explain that it’s really a dog’s heart.
a sleeping bag with loads of pillows and sheets so that it
looks as if a person is in there. Say, “Sssh! Mummy is
sleeping”. And then start jumping up and down on the
sleeping bag, making evil grunting sounds.
eating roast chicken, tie a bit of string to the chicken and
tug on the string. Start shrieking something about “the
kitten” not being properly dead before it was cooked.
2. Do that thing where you pretend a bit of carrot is a
goldfish, but use tinned carrots so that when you throw the
“goldfish” against the wall it splats nicely.
Just as they’re going to bed, tell them it’s “Duck Night”,
and tell them to look out of the window. As they do so,
suddenly bring your hand round the other side of the curtain,
making it snap like a duck’s bill, while making loud duck
THINGS TO DO IN McDONALD’S
Eat your burger, fill the empty carton with ink, then take it
to the counter and ask them what they think they’re playing
9. Dress up as
Ronald McDonald and start entertaining kids with your own
special brand of poor juggling and coarse language.
8. Fit a load of straws into each other, so that you make a
really, really long super-straw, and use it to poke someone
three tables away in the ear.
7. And then just
keep looking at him with a blank face when he turns around.
6. After returning to your table with your food, strip down to
your underwear and shoes. Eat normally, and see how long it is
before someone says something.
5. When ordering
your food, mumble so much that the only thing they understand
is the “Mc” part of every word. When they ask you to speak
up, keep on mumbling, but just say “Mc” louder.
4. Say “I’ll have a screwdriver!” in a really arrogant
American accent when they ask what you’d like to drink.
3. Go and lay on
the floor staring up at the ceiling, near a family trying to
eat. Watch as they try hard to pretend you’re not there.
2. Instead of odering food, say: “Can I have an adult and
two children for The Lion King, please”.
1. Ask a member of
staff where they keep their Bibles.
MORE FAMOUS LAST WORDS
“Allow me to demonstrate the smallest parachute ever – I
made it out of a postage stamp.”
“Wow, that horse really looks like a lion. Still, I’d
better nail its shoes on like Mr Walker asked.”
built this crash helmet out of eggshells on the principal that
if it’s good enough for chickens, it’s good enough for
Robert Downey Junior, you twat!”
don’t need to pay expensive hospital bills to have my
tonsils removed. This vacuum cleaner will do the job fine.”
“Yes, it’s unfortunate that the seatbelt is broken, but
look – I’ll just apply a layer of Copydex to the seat
before I sit down, and that should hold me in place.”
“Hahaha! Look at that snake with those stupid goofy teeth!
Hey, stupid! Hey, sssssnakey-boy!”
theorise that gorillas like music as much as other primates.
Which is why I’m wearing this one-man band contraption
today. From the top… a-one, a-two…”
2. “Unlike other mimes, I actually do perform within an
air-tight glass box. Allow me to demonstrate.”
“This is fun… it’s like that old videogame Frogger, but
10. “Roasted Presenter Swallows Faux Coracle”
9. “Toad-faced Child Eaten By Nervous Gran”
8. “’I’m Proud To Be Brown’ Claims Confused
7. “Gay Cavalier Adopts Cavalier Attitude To
6. “’No More Dinner’ Requests Swollen Diner”
5. “Ham-Harmed Farmer Engages Engines Of Boat”
4. “Zanzibar Deflates After Unexpected Piercing”
3. “Unlikely Duo Become Best Friends After Owl
2. “Swollen Diner: ‘I’ve Had Enough’”
Torturer Felt My Balls With Prong”