CORRECT REWORKINGS OF ‘JACK & THE BEANSTALK’
And The Inner City Drug Rehabilitation Clinic
And The Romanian Immigrant
8. Jack And The Lesbian Enlightenment Session
And The Truth About HIV
6. Jack And The Amnesty International Awareness Benefit
And The Evils Of Babylon
4. Jack And His Two Homosexual Fathers
And The Pro-Choice Rally
2. Jane And The Beanstalk
Jack And Bruce
ALL-HETEROSEXUAL, BOY BANDS
Boyz 4 Men
Boyz 2B Hunkz
Back Passage Boyz
EVEN MORE FAMOUS LAST WORDS
10. "Don't be daft. How dangerous can a snake be? They haven't even got any legs! Ha ha ha! Stupid snakes! Ha ha…
9. "And you swear on your life that this belt is 100% bullet-proof?"
8. "What was that you said about a combine harvester? I can't hear you over that awful, engine-like droning and chopping noise."
7. "Pfah! Real men don't need to cook chicken before eating it."
6. "Trust me - the only way I can get rid of this toothache is for you to drive the truck into my head at full speed."
5. "Gorillas are basically just big monkeys. Look at his face - he loves me poking him with this broom!"
4. "Don't worry, everyone - I'll smother the flames with my massive beard."
3. "Don't tell me what to do, you interfering old bag. If I want to hit the plane's window with the heel of my shoe - I will."
2. "That's not a shark. It's a dolphin. Come on - would a shark let me do… THIS?!"
1. "It's a whole new way of performing acupuncture. Instead of lots of little needles, I just shove this one massive spike into my abdomen. Watch…"
EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING YOUR HOMEWORK
10. "I did do it, but used white ink as a joke."
9. "I started to do it, but my dad had a nervous breakdown."
8. "I would've done it, but I got distracted by something
7. "The robots took it."
6. "The dog had the runs, and we didn't have any other paper in
4. "Some men broke into the house last night and glued my fingers
to the shower curtain and the glue didn't dissolve until this
3. "A peacock ran off with it."
2. "I kept getting electric shocks off my pen."
1. "Homework? I thought you told me to have gay bum-sex."
LIFE ON MARS MIGHT LOOK LIKE
single-celled form of benevolent, water-dwelling bacteria –
with acid for blood.
9. Tribes of
extremely violent chimpanzee-like creatures with bone-slashing
talons and pairs of huge, oily breasts.
8. Introspective, lemming-like nebbishes who live in the depths
of the darkest craters and have a great big stroboscoping
pupil set in the centre of a CD-sized eye. In their big, fat
Super-intelligent dinosaur-dolphin hybrids who fly about on
jetpacks, loudly mocking each other.
Sailors fighting in dancehalls. Oh, man. Look at those cavemen
go! It’s the freakiest show!
5. An insane, genocidal professor-monster from Venus who has
exterminated the subterranean community of cancer-curing ants
and distilled them into a source of power for a big death-ray
pointed at Earth.
4. A race of robot spiders who fly at various monsters, aliens
and robots from other planets and engage them in pyrotechnic
battles to the death in a massive, electrified arena guarded
by a sub-species of specially bred android lesbian slaves.
A stranded cosmonaut frantically signaling into the
unfathomable void, too large to register on NASA’s delicate
2. Enormous, seething penises with flippers for feet and
oscillating, leathery foreskins which can slacken and whip out
to engulf and slowly digest a victim’s enshrouded, wriggling
form into a twitching urethral slit with teeth.
A few scattered species of
wholly unremarkable, almost completely translucent plankton.
THINGS THAT ARE WORSE THAN BITING INTO AN APPLE AND FINDING A
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
9. Biting into an apple, and choking to death.
into an apple, and remembering you’re allergic to apples,
and then your face swells up and you go blind.
7. Biting into an apple, and getting your legs shot off by the
owner of the orchard.
into an apple, and breaking all your teeth because it isn’t
an apple, but a coconut.
5. Biting into an apple, and suffering temporary full body
into an apple, the noise of which startles a nearby flock of
crows, which swoop down and violently peck at your face and
3. Biting into an apple, and suffering terrible pangs of guilt
because, y’know, what if apples can feel pain, man?
into an apple while listening to country music.
1. Being beaten senseless with an iron pipe, before being
anally violated by a gang of 20 mournful and gin-soaked
WHY WE NEVER HEAR THE QUEEN MOTHER SPEAK
She has Tourette’s Syndrome.
has a voice like Pee-Wee Herman.
she ever talks about is the weather, and how long she had to
wait for the bus, and how much she won at bingo the other
She’s been incubating a crocodile egg at the back of her
officials are afraid she’ll make references to her
5. If she
opens her mouth to speak we’ll see the full extent of the
she starts, she’ll never stop.
does speak, but our ears just can’t be bothered to listen.
was replaced by a full-scale marionette in 1976.
1. Her voice is so posh that it’s inaudible to common folk.
HOW TO BE COOL…
10. Always walk a few paces ahead of your friends, and never bother to look when crossing the road.
9. Only listen to bands that none of your friends have ever heard of, and immediately stop liking the band if it gets so much as a sniff at the Top 40. Popularity =
8. Smoke cigarettes - especially if you're under 14. That looks REALLY cool.
7. Take loads of drugs, and then casually drop your narcotics-related tales into conversation. Friends are bound to be impressed with your cool, reckless lifestyle, and probably think you're the new Jim Morrison.
6. Always wear sunglasses indoors, particularly during job interviews. Potential employers really like cool employees.
5. Dress like a fucker.
4. Never wear shorts, even if it's really, really baking hot. Unless you're wearing garish, flowery, Hawaiian-style shorts because you're both cool AND ironic.
3. Even if you're not short-sighted, wear small, round, John Lennon-style glasses. Even though Lennon was chronically short-sighted, he probably only wore those glasses because they made him look cool.
2. Ensure your bookshelves are stocked with heavy, dry literary classics. Don't worry about actually reading them - you can probably glean enough info from the back cover spiel to prove how cool and well read you are when in conversation with un-cool, non-literary types. Also; watch only foreign films with subtitles.
1. Adopt radical left-wing political ideals, and show your support for cool charities, such as AIDS research and Amnesty International, even if you don't really understand them. And don't worry about AIDS sufferers finding it patronising that you're wearing a red ribbon on your lapel - they'll just think you're cool, even if they are dying!